Mysterion vs The TP Bandit
by JackOLantern1337
Summary: Mysterion battles a super villain who threatens to TP all of South Park. Kenny struggles with his personal life. Action, Laughter, Drama, Romance and Angst ensue.
1. The Dork Knight Rises

Mysterion and the TP bandit

Mysterion could see his signal in the sky. It felt good to be wanted. It felt even better to have no fear as he ran across the city's roof tops, knowing that death could take him at any moment. His alter ego Kenny McCormick might have feared death. Been terrified of the pain, but Mysterion was better than that. Mysterion could see the signal was coming from the police station. He climbed down the street and ran up to the building and began to climb. Okay now my arms are stating to hurt, he thought as he clambered up the side of the building. At the top by the spotlight stood Sargent Yates, sipping from a coffee mug. "Good to see you Mysterion", said the cop.

"What do you need", Mysterion said in his usual gruff voice. "You know I don't like vigilantes", said the Sargent, "they don't do things by the book." "But I've got nobody to turn to on this one." "What is it?", Mysterion asked. "Their's somebody out their. He's", Yates broke into tears, "He's TPing our houses." Yates wiped the tears from his eyes, "some of our boys houses anyways. Barbrady,and detective Mitch were already hit. He sent a note saying that if the rest of the cops didn't leave him alone he'd hit our houses too."

"So your what, your not going to do your job?", Mysterion asked, his voice filled with contempt. "Listen I've got a wife okay. The rest of the boys have people they care about too. We can't risk crossing this guy." Mysterion was not impressed. To be honest his alter ego Kenny had done some TPing himself, though he had come clean in the end. Mysterion would never approve of such lawlessness though. But he also hated whiney cops who wouldn't do their dam jobs. "Screw you guys I'm going home", if Douchbag could steal Cartman's slogan than so could he. "But what are we going to do?", officer Yates said, pleadingly. "Your dam jobs", replied Mysterion, turning his back on the officer. "He's after us all", warned Yates. "One day you'll wake up and he'll TP someplace you care about. And then you'll understand." Mysterion didn't respond. And all Sargent Yates could do was watch as he ran off into the night. He chuckled at the cops plea. Nobody TP'd poor people's homes, that was just giving them free toilet paper. It was late. He should be getting home.

The hot Hawaiian sun shown down on Kenny as he lounged beside his pool. Tammy and Kelly had their arms around him. They were both older than when he last saw them. "Now how did I get lucky enough to get two hot girlfriends like you guys?" asked Kenny. "Luck had nothing to do with it", Kelly said, nuzzling against Kenny's distinctive orange parka. "Forget that stuff Ken", Tammy said, let's have some fun. "Like what?", asked Kelly. "Like this", said Tammy, and they started lezzing out. It was really hot. He had everything. And yet he wasn't happy. "I've got something to tell you", Kenny said sheepishly. "I can't die. Well I can. But not really. I die all the time. I've been to both heaven and hell. And no matter what I do it keeps happening." He began to cry. "And no matter what I say nobody believes me." He was sobbing like a little kid now. He tired to reach out to them for a hug but they just pulled away. "Get away from us you perverted little freak.", they said in unison. "But I", Kenny couldn't think of anything else to do but cry. "Your just a pathetic poor, perverted little hellspawn who can't even die right.", said Kelly. His eyes were blinded by tears. He didn't even see the Phonics Monkey coming for him. The monkey hit him again and again. And tossed him against the wall. Kenny screamed as he was flung towards his doom.

Kenny woke up sprawled on the floor. He must have fallen out of bed. His head hurt. "What the hell man?", it was Kevin, he was pissed. I must have woken him up, Kenny thought. "Just a bad dream." "You always wake up screaming when one of us is sharing a room with you. It's why you always get your own place. Neat set up you got their Kenny", his brother said bitterly. "It happens all the time you just don't hear it." Kenny said. "Yeah and I'm Cthulhu's half brother." Kevin had no idea how close to reality that was. "Look I'm going to go watch TV. You can go back to sleep.", Kenny said to his brother, trying to ease the tension. Kevin waved a dismissive hand at his younger brother, "I don't need this shit.", Kevin said. "Me ether", Kenny mumbled as he left the room.

Kenny grabbed a Snickers Bar for his breakfast and tiptoed to the TV, carefully not to wake up his parents, sister, or god forbid, Kevin again. He sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and turned on the family's ancient shitty TV. It was the news. Kenny was about to change the channel when he saw the reporter was standing with a Nascar track in the background. And the track was, no, no it was impossible. He turned up the volume. "Tom I'm standing here at South Park Nascar track which appears to have been toilet papered." No. It couldn't be. But it was. The cops warning had come true. He hadn't even cared. He hadn't even tried to stop it, yet that sick fuck had TP'd something he cared about. "That mother fucker.", Kenny said, clenching his fists. If their had been a camera their the shot would have been pretty epic.


	2. Suspicions and Titties

The teacher's words went through one of Kenny's ears and out the other. Mr Garrison may have been a shitty teacher, but by god the man/woman could be entertaining. And his rants , constant changes in sexual orientation and gender identity, and whirlwind of relationships and mental breakdowns had reminded Kenny that no matter what he was, he wasn't Mr Garrison. What was the correct way to refer to a transginger before they transitioned anyway? He'd ask the principle, but he'd just beat the shit out of Kenny for not knowing the difference anyway, no use causing trouble.

But this new teacher, she actually taught things. Like actual school stuff, and not Mr Garrisons recaps of Game of Thrones. No now he actually had to learn actual history, without drunken dwarves, eunuch jokes, dragons or tits. Kenny especially missed the tits.

But on this day especially his mind was distracted. The Nascar world had just experienced it's very own 9/11. And Mysterion hadn't been their to stop it. He had turned his back. The officer had been right. He let his guard down and that bastard TP'd something he cared about. Well that would happen no longer. Mysterion would find out who that fucker was and beat the shit out of him.

"Kenny", it was their teacher,she had caught him staring off into space. "What is the sum of 12+9?" Kenny didn't know that. "Uhhhh". "The Sum of 12+9 is 21.", said Josh Mayor. "Why that is correct Josh", their teacher said. Saved by the nerd, Kenny thought to himself as the teacher continued on with her rambling. That Josh mayor was a good kid. Kenny didn't care much about school. He had more important things to worry about. Like that psyco on the loose.

He had called up the cops as soon after he had seen the footage of the attack. They would be leaving the case file under a bridge, Mysterion would collect it tonight, but from what they had told Kenny, their was no connection between the victims. The attacks were random. That was unusual. Most TP'rs went after people they knew. That's what Kenny and his crew had done to that poor art teacher and her family.

Completely random attacks, the cops paralyzed by fear, only a single superhero to stop him. This guy was sewing total chaos. Hmmm Chaos. He turned his head towards the back of the class. The kid seemed sullen, his hands were fidgeting at his sides. Douchebag put a reassuring hand on his back. Those two had grown really close during the Nazi Zombie invasion.

When Butters got angry, depressed he would often morph into a psychotic villain known as Professor Chaos. At first it had been harmless, and actually a bit endearing, if Kenny was being honest with himself. But then he had tried to blow up a hospital. Since then he hadn't put anything past this psychotic alter ego. No matter how close he got to Butters, he always had to remind himself that this seemingly sweet little boy could become a monster at any moment. After school they were going to play warriors and wizards. He could observe more their.


	3. A Feast for Bro's

**Sorry for taking so long to publish the next chapter. This whole subplot took me a while to figure out. And for those of you who miss Mysterion have no fear. He will return in the next chapter.**

Princess Kenny was the fairest maiden in the land. She was loved by all men and she loved all men right back. But her heart ached. She had heard of a great disaster in a realm called Nascar. And Professor Chaos, the alter ego of the valiant knight Sir Butters the Merciful. But she needed proof to convince King Douchebag that his best friend was guilty of this terrible deed.

It would not be easy.. The King didn't trust her. He seemed to hold some kind of grudge against Kenny. Douchebag simply failed to comprehend how the horrible mind warping effects of PMS had driven her insane, and that that this insanity had legally relieved her of responsibility for her actions. Besides what was a girl to do when she discovered she was the heir to the Stick of Truth.

And not only did he not trust her, but the one person he did place absolute trust in was none other than Butters. And not only did he trust Butters, but he trusted his evil alter ego Professor Chaos as well, Butters had used him as an ability. The King seemed to think that Chaos was some sort of power that could be controlled, and not an evil mastermind that needed to be stopped. She had to get close to Butters,and to Professor chaos, to see what he was hiding.

And that was why she had texted Sir Butters to meet her in the old Elven fortress, AKA Kyle's house. "You said you had a quest for me oh me fair princess.", said Butters. "I do have a quest. But not for Sir Butters the Merciful.", Kenny said, mysteriously. "Then why did you say you were going to give me a quest?", Butters asked perplexed. "I don't need Sir Butters, I need to talk to professor Chaos." "I don't think you'd want to do that?", Butters said, fidgeting with his hands. He looked really nervous. "And why is that?", Kenny asked suspiciously. "Well it's just Professor Chaos lives in a very dark part of my psyche." "You brought him out during the game", Kenny said. He winced a little remembering the final fight with Douchbag and Sir Butters. "Yeah but I had to. Cartman Douchebag and everyone in the KKK were counting on me.", he said flustered Kenny got close and looked right into Butters's eyes. "Well I'm counting on you now Butters." It was not princess Kenny who asked the question, but Kenny McCormick, a kid Butters had once called "the only one around here with any real integrity."

Butters was about to say something when a shrill voice cried out "Ah ha." It was Cartman. "Butters get control of yourself." "What?'. "Don't you see Sir Butters she's, trying to seduce you with her feminine charms.", Carmen said. "She is?", Butters said stepping back from Kenny. "No I'm not", said Kenny.

But it was useless. Cartman was a master manipulator and Butters was gullible as fuck. Before long Cartman had Butters Butters on his knees sobbing and confessing to his "sins"

Cartman had decided ,shortly after the zombie invasion, that being a wizard king wasn't good enough. Oh no he had to be some kind of Wizard King Pope. He'd recruited Craig and Clyde to be his goons as some sort of punishment for betraying the Kingdom. They'd had to draw stars on their heads with red markers. They looked so fucking miserable.

But their misery was cold comfort to Princess Kenny as she sat tied up to a chair in Cartman's basement. At least this time she wasn't going to get raped. "Do you repeat your sins and accept the judgement of da lawd!".Cartman said in a heavy Southern drawl. "I confess my only sin.", Princess Kenny said dramatically. "I confess that I am a woman. I confess that I cannot live my life tied to a kitchen stove. I confess that I am a Princess and not a slave!", Princess Kenny screamed defiantly.

"Wow that was a great speech", Craig said impressed. "You should really consider getting into acting", Clyde said impressed. "Thanks man", Kenny said,breaking character. "You guys",Cartman whined, "you have to stay in character.",he stamped his foot on the ground petulantly. "Fuck you you stupid fatherless wizard fatass." A cold chill seemed to hang over the room. Kenny had pushed both of Cartman's buttons. "Right well if you won't confess their's only one way to punish you for your vile crimes."

"I don't know about this place",Jenna said, hugging her black winter coat to her swollen body. "What's not to like", asked Todd. "The arts district is thriving, they've got a vibrant night scene,artisan shops, and a cultural district. This seems like a great place.", her boyfriend said. "They have all that in Denver",Jenna replied. "Yeah but Denver's totally played out", Todd replied petulantly. "Were about to become parents Todd!", god just saying that made her feel old. "Their are more important things than it being played out.", she said blasphemously. "Like what?", Todd replied indignantly. "Well how about the school. I don't want our baby to grow up to be some sort of small town hick." "I'm sure the kids here are fine."

"Shame! Shame", Jenna turned around. Some little kid with dirty blond hair was streaking down the street with no cloths on. He was being chased by three boys, and one of them was dressed up like a fat wizard. "Wew hew", she could hear the naked child scream, as he ran down the street. "Shame!", shouted the fat one. "Goddamit Kenny this is supposed to be like Game of Thrones.! Quit having fun!"

"Were moving to Denver", Jenna said to Todd. Her boyfriend nodded silently in agreement.


	4. A new ally

Night dawned and Mysterion rose. He crept out of his bedroom, tiptoeing carefully to avoid waking his parents or his little sister Karen or his asshole brother Kevin. God why did Kevin have to be such a whiney bitch. So Kenny's night terrors and thrashing sometimes woke him up , some people had much bigger problems to deal with.

Like me, Mysterion thought as he leapt out of the window in Kenny's room. His problem wasn't exactly your normal sob story, he couldn't die. Well okay it wasn't so much that he couldn't die, but that he couldn't stay dead. When Kenny had been little he had screamed after every death. Onetime he locked himself in a cellar, figured with nothing in their but himself, nothing could kill him. It took a week for the poor kid to starve to death. Eventually it happened so many times he just got a bit numb to it. By Kindergarten Kenny had accepted it as just part of his everyday life.

Kenny had always been a curious boy, probably why he got himself killed so many dam times, and he often wondered how he gained this terrible terrible superpower. Mysterion wondered too. He had been so close that onetime. But then that asswipe Mintberry Crunch came along and saved the day. One day he'd try to find out again.

But first he had to get to get to the bridge and retrieve that case file.

Mysterion had searched the bridge from top to bottom. But their was no file. Mysterion ran back into the night. Someone had taken that file, and he had to find them. He searched every back ally, rooftop and seedy overpass in South Park,but their was nothing.

Mysterion decided to try the school. He tried to open the front door. Locked. He would have to go around back. The playground was empty and desolate. Kenny had so many good memories of this place. Of course their were also some pretty terrible ones as well. He had died here a few times,but then he could say that about a lot of other places.

For no particular reason he chose to stand under the monkey bars. "Hey you their", a voice called out. Mysterion looked around. Nothing. "Yeah you, with the funny mask.", the voice, he could identify it as female, said. "Whose their", Mysterion shouted. "Me", the voice replied. "And whose me", Mysterion said back, praying that she would not chose to drag this conversation down the inevitable ,annoying path. "Me is you.", she said, Mysterion could swear he could hear her laugh. Christ even Cartman wasn't this annoying. "Just show yourself dam it"

Mysterion jumped in surprise as the girl swung herself down from the money bars. She was upside down, using her legs to hold on, her masked face was an inch from his. "Hello Mysterion I'm Mouse, Tree Mousem to be specific." She wore a mask over the upper half of her face like Mysterion, Her nose had some sort of ball on it,and he could tell from the misshapen shadows on the side of her head that she was wearing mouse ears of some kind.

Upside down and open to attack, he could easily take her in this position. Ether this Mouse Girl really trusted him, or she was so good that even upside down and unable to maneuver she could beat the crap out of Mysterion. "Well I've shown myself", she chirped, "How do I look." "Like a mouse", Mysterion replied deadpan, Kenny would have said something about her ass, but that was beneath a hero like Mysterion.

"Yep that's the idea", she said, lowering herself down from the bars. "What do you want", Mysterion said gruffly. "Your help.", she said. "With what?", asked Mysterion. "Your familiar with girls are you not Mysterion", she asked cooly. "I've known my share", he replied, world weary, and he hoped, suavely. "And I'm sure you know the girls are ruled by a council."

"Yeah I know", those psycho bitches had driven Kenny's friend Kyle to near madness, and of course Bebe had killed him, shot him right though the head. She hadn't even had the decency to wait until he finished his cereal. And of course their had been the evil rat Wikileaks. Knowledge was one of the greatest powers out their, and absolute power corrupted absolutely, or so Mysterion had heard.

"They have files on all of us. It's worse than the NSA.", she said with a bitter chuckle. "Some of the stuff they have on people…it's really personal. They use it to blackmail and bully. They've ruined people's lives with this shit.", Mysterion could almost feel the rage burning inside her. "I want to destroy those files and I want you to help me Mysterion.".

Mysterion's first instinct was to say no. He had been distracted from the TPer before and look how that had turned out. "Listen as much as I'd love to help you out I can't. I've got bigger problems to deal with.", he said curtly. "The TP bandit, I know." Mysterious was about to say something. "And no I'm not going to tell you how", she said preempting him. "But you will be pleased to learn that our interests align.", her lips curled into a smile. Kenny tried to think up some dirty pun. Mysterion refocused himself, embarrassed.

"I was watching the drop zone. Waiting for you to come by." "I assume your not going to bother telling me how you figured that one out ether.", Mysterion asked, knowing the answer. "No", she said, still smiling. She got back to the story. "So anyway the cops drop the file. Nothing abnormal. Well not unless you consider the police collaborating with vigilantes abnormal", "I don't.", Mysterion said. "Good. Anyway all's normal. Then I see some girl go under the bridge, and swipe the the case file. I got a look at her face. It was the Shulk."

"What the fuck is a Shulk?", Kenny asked. "It's short for She Hulk." "Why couldn't they have just called her She Hulk?" "Marvel has the copyright to that one and their owned by Disney. The queen bees on the council act like their tough, but their is no way those bitches are going to fuck with Mickey and more importantly his lawyers.",Tree Mouse explained. "Cowards", Mysterion snorted with contempt. That self rightious asshole had nearly turned Kenny into some sort of soulless drone. "I know right",Tree Mouse said in a agreement.

"You might know her as Shelly Marsh. 7th grader, headgear, terrible temper, obsessed with Turds for some reason?",she asked. "Never heard of her", Mysterion lied. "She's the council's lackey." Mysterion couldn't believe Stan's bitchy sister would agree to work for a bunch of fourth graders. Whatever her faults Shelly at least enough self respect not to work for a bunch of Fourth Grade girls. "So this means the girls have the Bandit's file", said Mysterion. "I would be surprised if they didn't", she replied.

Mysterion was convinced. Besides he had no other leads. And this Tree Mouse Girl seemed like good company. "So where do we find these bitches?" "I don't know. The archives are kept in a secret location." "You didn't think farther ahead than getting my help did you?" Mysterion opined.

"You underestimate me.", she said smiling. "Pretty hard to underestimate someone named Tree Mouse.", he said with a wry contemptuous smirk on his face. "Shut up", she was smiling as she gently punched his arm. "All the good names were taken. And besides, I like climbing things and I squeak a lot. So I guess the name fits.", she shrugged. "Besides what kind of name is Mysterion?" "A Mysterious one",he allowed a warm smile to slip past his cold facade. He felt himself pulled towards this mysterious girl. They stared at each other. Was he blushing?

"So uhhh how do you plan to find this secret hide out?", Mysterion asked, shifting the conversation back to business. "Well,as I was saying, I don't know where the archives are, but I do know who knows where they are." "The Shulk?",Mysterion asked the masked girl. "Yes. I can't take her alone. That's why I asked for your help." she admitted to him. "I'm sure you'd do fine on your own", he said, trying to be chivalrous. "Fine isn't enough to beat the Shulk.",it's clear she viewed this as a great personal failing. "If it makes you feel better I doubt I could take her alone ether", he put a hand on her shoulder. "Thanks.".


	5. A Shadow on the Basketball Court

**From now on I'll be posting shorter chapters. Hopefully this will mean shorter update times.**

"So what would you have done if I decided not to help you?", Mysterion inquired to his new companion. "What?", she turned around, surprised, to face him. "If I had managed to get to the file first what would you have done?" She seemed at a loss for words. Her eyes twitched back and forth franticly and her fingers fidgeted at her sides. "You didn't plan on letting me get their first did you? You planed on swiping the file and blackmailing me into helping you take down the council?"

"Your right", she said ruefully. "I didn't want to do it but I felt their was no other way to get your help.", she wasn't fidgeting or looking at the ground. Kenny could tell she was being honest. "I was wrong.", she bowed her head in contrition. "Your a good man Mysterion. A true hero. I only wish I was worthy of you.", Mysterion felt his cheeks warming. "You help those in need not out of some sort of stupid power fantasy or because it's in your own interests, but because it's the right thing to do. You'd never refuse to help a girl in need"

"Your wrong about me missy", he said with cold stoic heartbreak. "I'm no hero and their are girls in need I won't help." Tree Mouse girl knew what he would say next. "And at the top of that list are scheming little bitches who try to blackmail me." He turned on his heels and marched the other way.

He didn't have to look back to know that she was standing their, her hands clasped, regretting her choices. Regretting how her actions had lost her such a strong, yet sensitive, blunt, yet introspective, and most importantly, attractive man. "Get over yourself", Mysterion snapped at himself, silently.

He pivoted himself back towards her. "Just kidding", he said gleefully, his voice briefly betraying his true identity. Tree Mouse Girl's hands were on her hips. "I knew that", she shot back at him. "Ah so your powers now include mind reading?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That and climbing and throwing my voice. Oh that and bending men to my will with my feminine wiles."

"You two done fucking around", Toolshed called out from in front of them, irritated at their dallying. "We'll be right their." Mysterion didn't like involving his old in all this. But when they had headed over to Stan's house to "have a talk" with the Shulk, he had already been their in his costume ready to fight. Apparently they'd has some sort of fight and Stan was eager to get even with his sister. As it had tuned out she hadn't been at home and Stan had known exactly where to find her.

Stan had told them that his sister was at the Basketball court, the one by the PTA. As sleep deprivation set in, Mysterion cursed himself for having to have backtracked all the way back to Stan's house to find this out. The school was right next to the community center. If he had only known she was their he could have saved himself precious time. Oh well. It was useless to dwell on the road not taken. That sort of gay shit was always Kyle's thing anyways.

Stan was talking with Tree Mouse girl about his sister, and all the hell she put him though. "Oh man I can't wait to get even with that bitch.", he said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of the violence to come. Kenny kept quiet. Stan and his sister had a really different relationship than Kenny and his siblings. He wouldn't even be particularly eager to fight Kevin, dickish as he was. And of course poor little Karen would never hurt a fly. As much as they quarreled they never shared the level of antipathy Stan and Shelly seemed to have.

A car sped by, it's lights shouting into the darkness of the night. Once it passed the three heroes ran across the street. Once across they dove into the freezing snow, the only way to avoid detection by their enemy. "She's right their, look.", Stan gestured forward. Out of the corner of his vision he could see a hulking figure in the center of the court, shooting baskets. She was painted green and wore ripped disheveled clothing. Shelly looked pissed off, even more than usual. Not that he could blame her, his alter ego PMS knew of the womanly burdens of PMS all to well.

Mysterion gestured for the group to move forward. "Dude what the fuck are you doing?", asked Tree Mouse. He signaled again. "No dude I don't get it ether", Stan said. I guess I'll just have to lead by example then, thought Mysterion. He began to move forward at a crawl. "Toolshed, you have the pincers?". "Don't worry dude I got this", Toolshed reassured him.

Toolshed began cutting a small circle though the wire of the fence. "I'll go in first", he whispered to his friends." "Be careful", Tree Mouse girl whispered back. "Dude don't sweat it", Stan measured him. "Me and douchebag took her down." God why did everyone have to manage that kid douchebag. He was such a…douchebag.

Here goes nothing Kenny thought, crawling under the wire. Shelly was getting ready to take a shot. Perfect. Just as he stood up, Shelly turned to face him, fast as lighting. The basketball hurled towards Mysterion at what seemed like supersonic speed. No chance to dodge. Pain flared in his head. Everything went black.


	6. Head Trauma

**Being a superhero can get you hurt a lot.**

Mysterion was blinded. His ears buzzed. His feet wobbled and he began to fall towards the ground. He extended his arms to break his fall. The impact was hard. His bled onto the pavement. Kenny had endured pain a thousand times worse than this. Shake it off, Mysterion commanded himself. Mysterion shook his head from side to side. A bit of light. Mysterion rubbed his eyes. Out of the blurred mists of his vision he could see someone running towards him, a girl. A really ugly girl. A big ugly mean girl who looked ready to beat the shit out of him. Where am I again?, he thought, trying to remember everything that happened. The Shulk, the mission, the basketball. It all came flooding back. He steadied himself on his limbs. His hearing recovered. He could hear her screaming "Tuuuuurd!" The Shulk was to close for him to make a counter attack. In a few seconds she would be right on top of him. Right on top of him, he thought, forming the seeds of a plan in his wounded mind.. Kenny's poor head would not be having a good day tomorrow.

He waited till she was right over him, ready to strike. Then with all his might Mysterion launched himself upward into the Sulk's stomach. The wind came out of her with a loud oomph. Screaming in astonishment and rage she tumbled over backwards, sending poor Kenny flying.

He landed on his back. His whole body screamed out to him in pain. His head was the worse. It might have been his imagination, but it felt like Kenny's brain was banging around his inside skull. He could feel the blood pooling on the pavement. Mysterion groaned in pain as he rolled over onto his stomach.

His muscles ached as he tried to force his broken body up from the ground. It was useless. All he could do was watch the battle unfold.

The conflict was brief. Toolshed and Tree Mouse Girl had crawled though the hole in the fence as soon as Shelly went down. She was barely up when they fell upon her. Shelly had landed a few good blows, but she had started out the fight at a disadvantage. Mouse and Toolshed proved to much for her and after the fury of punches and kicks ended she lay flat on the ground, beaten.

"A little help here", Kenny feebly called out to his friends. "Oh my god!", Mouse called out in shock. Mysterion your….your", she struggled to find the words to express the horrific state he was in. "Fucked up", he finished her sentence. "Hang on I'll go get help", she said trying to reassure him.

"No need", Mysterion replied. "Toolshed, please tell me you brought along some cheesy poofs." "No problem dude", he said reassuringly. "Keep an eye on She Hulk over here", he said to Tree Mouse. "It's Shulk", Shelly yelled over to brother. "Whatever".

Mysterion opened the bag and ravenously stuffed the Cheesy poofs into his mouth. He felt their cheesy taste flow though him, rejuvenating him. A spiral of blue light swirled around his body and he was healed.

"What the Fuck?",Tree Mouse girl said, emphasizing each word.. "New brand. We've been using it all the time in our warriors and wizards game", Mysterion replied matter of factly. "Their a fucking life saver",Stan said.


	7. Letting it Go

**We all have bad things weighing us** **down, feelings buried deep down. But at some point we just have to let them go.**

"I'll never talk", the Shulk roared defiantly at her captors. "Ordinarily I'd find that quite pleasing", Mysterion said with a wry grin. Shelly rolled her eyes. "But unfortunately I don't have the luxury of not hearing your hideous man voice, I need information." For some reason Stan looked vaguely perturbed by what he had said. It must have been his head fucking with him. Cheesy Poofs didn't fix everything. He continued. "I need information about the girl council." He paced. "Where they meet. When they meet. Where they keep their archives, and where did you take the file one the TP bandit. I know you know these things. Tell me them and this whole lame thing will be over just like this.", he snapped his fingers. "You'll never see us again."

"Drop dead", Shelly swore at her captors. "That happens more times than you could possibly imagine.", Mysterion said, half hoping for, and half dreading, follow up questions. Shelly was silent, and his two companions just shrugged. Well I guess that cry for help went nowhere, Mysterion thought to himself.

"You have left us no choice", Tree Mouse Girl interjected. "Are you going to torture me?", the Shulk asked, clearly not expecting much from these puny turds. "No", Tree Mouse Girl gave a sickening smile. "I'm going to sing to you." "Oh the horror", Shelly said rolling her eyes. "You know what Shell. You need to calm down, sit back, relax and", the sickening grin returned, "Let it go."

 _The snow glows white on the mountain tonight not a footstep to be seen._

"Oh god this dam song fucking infested the internet two years ago". Stan groaned.

 _A kingdom of isolation. And it looks like I'm the queen._

Bring it I'm not afraid", Shelly grit her badger addled teeth.

 _The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside._

 _Couldn't keep it in heaven knows I tried._

She puts real heart into it I'll give her that, Mysterion thought to himself.

 _Don't let them in don't let them see be the good girl you always have to be._

She was pacing across the court now, wagging her finger.

 _Conceal don't feel don't let them know._

I know the sentiment, Mysterion thought to himself. Boy this song could hit you in the feels. Even if sung by a complete amateur. Dude just feel, Stan thought to himself.

 _Well now they know_

"Here comes the part", Shelly muttered.

 _Let it go let it go…_

"Dude I'm pretty sure this qualifies as torture", Toolshed whispered to Mysterion. "It's not torture", Mysterion stroked his hairless chin in contemplation. "It's…it's enhanced interrogation." "What's the difference?", Stan asked. "Enhacned Interrogation is torture when the good guys do it.", Mysterion explained, flaunting his worldly knowledge. "

…. _Let the storm rage on._

She turned her head over her shoulders to face the others.

 _The cold never bothered me anyway._

She looked bold, maybe even beautiful, thought it was hard to tell underneath the mask.

Tree Mouse girl pranced around making piano sounds.

"Keep going I'm not afraid", Shelly said. Her voice waved just a little.

 _It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small._

 _And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all._

She jumped in the air and spread her arms in elation. Mysterion's heart soared with her. Yeah he didn't have to be afraid. Afraid of being unmasked. Afraid of dying. Afraid of everyone discovering what he really was, while holding out a faint hope that they would. Out here, he felt like those fears couldn't touch him. Like he could just leave it all behind.

 _It's time to see what I can do_

 _To test the limits and breakthrough._

Mysterion marshaled his courage.

 _No right no wrong no rules for me_

 _I'm freeeeee_

Her voice soared.

 _Let it go_

 _Let it go_

Mysterion joined her chorus, still maintaining his deep raspy voice.

They spun around.

"Good god this is gay", Stan said planting the palm of his hand into his face. Kenny didn't care. He'd concealed not felt. And now Stan knew. For this brief respite, Kenny was free.

 _Let it go let it go!_

They sang together.

 _I'm one with the wind and sky._

Mysterion felt a winter chill on his back.

 _Let it go let it go_

 _You'll never see me cry._

First Mysterion thought of Karen, poor girl. And then of Butters. And finally he thought about all the pain and suffering he'd had to put up with in his miserable life. He didn't want to compare himself to them, but he did, and they sobbed over shit that was a tenth as bad as dying every other week.

"Oh god the gayness it's to much!", Shelly said, gritting her teeth and covering her ears.

But it was no use. Resistance was futile. She might as well let go.

Mysterion and Tree Mouse girl stomped their feet to the ground in unison.

 _Here I stand and here I stay_

They raised their voices towards the sky in unison.

 _Let the storm rage on….._

"Oh dude the lameness make it stop", Stan yelled, but his friends were to deep in their musical trance to hear him.

Shelly couldn't stand it. It was so dumb so gay so…broadway. She struggled to hold back the tears.

The wind blew snow around them.

 _My power flurries through the air into the ground._

 _My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around._

 _And one thought crystalizes like an icy blast._

A particularly harsh blast of snow hit the two singing superheroes. They were unfazed. In a spiral of personal liberation. Nothing could touch them.

 _I"M NEVER GOING BACK!_

To dying every day.

To hearing this dam song every other week.

To Larry.

To innocence.

 _The past is in the paaaaast._

For better or worse.

 _Let it go Let it go_

Tree Mouse girl's voice was a siren song to Kenny, the most beautiful thing in the world.

Mysterion continued to sing along with her, gruff deep voice and all.

 _And I'll rise like the break of dawn._

 _Let it go Let it go_

 _That perfect girl is gone._

Slut, she cursed herself.

Ugly, she whispered, holding back the tears.

Kenny had a perfect girl once. She had gone. And he was never going to get her back again.

 _Here I stand in the light of daaaaay_

It was still night.

 _Let the storm rage oooooon._

 _The cold never bothered me anyways._

"But that gay ass song sure did", Stand retorted.

Shelly was on her knees sobbing. She wretched onto the pavement. We must have been really bad, Kenny thought to himself. Event though it was necessary for the mission, it did not entirely please him.

"All right I'll talk", the big girl said, her voice breaking. Tears fell from her eyes. "You want to know why big mean ol shelly's working for a bunch of puny Fifth grade turds? Why she's sunken so low? Why she's fucking dressed in rags and painted green?" "Fifth graders?", Mysterion couldn't contain his astonishment. He knew the girls in his grade had a secret council, but the Fifth graders too? How far did this matriarchy extend?

"Yes Turd", she spat at him. "Fifth Graders."

"If they threatened you, tired to blackmail you in anyway". "Your here to help", Shelly completed Mouse's sentences. "No it wasn't that.", she wiped her nose. "It would have been better if it was that. The I could have just told them to fuck off. Nobody cares what some 5th grade turd thinks. And even if they did nobody likes me.", she cried into the palms of her hand.

Stan extend a comforting hand on his sisters shoulder. I guess I thought wrong about those two, Mysterion chided himself. "No Olivia, that's the queen of this whole little operation, she made me an offer. And offer I just couldn't refuse." she shook her head. "Her dad's a plastic surgeon", she sniffled. "He was going to make me beautiful. And if I refused she promised I'd be wearing headgear until the end of time."

"I'm so sorry Shelly", Stan said to his sister, tears in his eyes. Kenny felt a bit of pity too. And from a purely pragmatic perspective the more beautiful women in the world the better. But Mysterion would not allow these feelings to show. He needed to stay focused on the mission. And she had yet to tell him what he needed to know.

Tree Mouse Girl though was having none of it. "Booo fucking hoo you don't get to get your self sliced and diced until your some kind of supermodel.", her eyes burned with hate. "You have no idea what their capable of", the Shulk said, eyes white with terror.

That clearly had hit one of Mouse's berserk buttons. "Oh I most certainly do know what those fucking bitches are capable of." she said with the voice of someone who had been very close to someone on the receiving end of whatever said bitches were capable of. "You remember the charming little hobbies Olivia had?", she asked Shelly. It was apparent from the tone of her voice that Tree Mouse girl knew the the answer to her own question.

Their was a deathly silence. "Oh what was it", Tree Mouse girl had given up on waiting for the Shulk to answer "Oh I think I remember, it was list making." "Yes, they really making those", Shelly shifted uncomfortably. "Stupid little girls", she said. "The 4th grade council made lists too", Shelly's brother Stan cut in. He continued, "They made one ranking all the boys from cutest to ugliest. The thing drove poor Kyle near insane." Mouse was not swayed by Stan's attempt at pointing out the sins of others to gain sympathy fro his sister.

"Yes but that list wasn't meant for the general public, especially the boy public, to read." She glared at Shelly. "You remember those lists don't you? The crybaby list (Kenny was glad his sister wasn't in fifth grade or she'd have been at the top of that one, the poor list (that one too), the lesbian lis (Kenny made a mental note to find out who was on that list after all this was done, to Mysterion's great shame.), and my absolute favorite, the depression list." Mouse let that sink in for a bit. "Do you know what they did to the girls they thought were depressed?", she asked Shelly, faking confusion. "No", Shelly was lying. Lying to her interrogator, but mostly just lying to herself. "Well I'll tell you wha they do. They keep bullying them until they ether transfer schools or they kill themselves." Mysterion could hear Toolshed suck in a breath. "These aren't the type of people who help a girl up when she's down. These aren't even the type who stand around and laugh at them. These are the type of girls who find someone at their lowest point, pick up a shovel, beat them over the head with it, and drive them even lower." She locked eyes with the Sulk. Mysterion could feel them boreing deep into the big girl's soul.

Shelly could feel tears beginning to form on her eyes. But with those very eyes she stared back at her accuser. Defiant, for what else could a mean ugly girl like her every be? "Listen I know what they did. I know it was selfish to help them." "Then why don't you help us?", Tree Mouse Girl asked. "Because, as I said, I'm fucking selfish. I want to have nice tits and a nice ass. I want to have a face like an ogre. And I fucking certainly don't want to have to wear this fucking headgear until the fucking end of time!" she shouted at her interrogator.

Tree Mouse Girl breathed in, centering herself. "Do you know what it's like to be made an outcast? To have your entire life destroyed by bullies? Just cus your a bit different?!" "Welcome to my fucking life!", Shelly spat at Tree Mouse Girl. "Don't judge me you turd bitch! If you looked like me, if you had the life I do", she stared at Stan, "with family I have you would have done the same thing. So take your self righteous Turd Hero face and shove it up your slut asshole!" "Turd", she spat again for enfaces.

At the rate Tree Mouse was going they'd be at this all night. "Is this what Larry would have wanted?", he asked Shelly. The Shulk. The powerful she hulk, the ogre that had terrorized Stan and his friends thought their childhood, cried. "Dude Fuck you", Stan said to Kenny. "Whose Larry?" asked Mouse. Before ether Stan or Mysterion could answer, Shelly spoke. "Larry was my boyfriend. He was a good kid. Sheltered and shy, a looser, but a good kid.", she wiped the tears away from her eyes. "I told him to stop living his life in fear, to stop just mindlessly obeying his parents. He got what he wanted. And that got him killed.", she curled herself up into a ball, and cried.

"Dude why the fuck did you bring that shit up?" "I needed to break her", Mysterion replied cooly. "Well congrats asshole.", he threw up his arms. "Stan, the Nascar equivalent of 9/11 has gone unavenged. The TP bandit must be stopped at all costs. And sometimes you have to do bad things to get good results." "Fuck you man your talking about my sister", Stan burned with rage. "And furthermore I don't care what some petty criminal has done to your fucking trailer trash olympics." "Don't say that about Nascar", Kenny growled. "I'll say whatever the fuck I want to say."he yelled at the boy he once named hero.

"Dude your sounding like the Coon.". Toolshed told his friend. "Bulshit", Mysteiron countered. "Where does it end man? First you loose your marbles and go on some wild quest. Then you creep out Butters. Then you traumatize your friend's sister." he took a good look at his friend. "Dude I'll give you the same advice as Kyle gave to me. Watch yourself, or you'll find yourself jacking it in San Diego. Tree Mouse Girl stood on the sidelines, not fully understanding the quarrel between the boys. Shelly was still wrapped up in her ball of grief and sadness.

"The mall", Shelly spoke, her voice soft, quiet, almost a whisper. "What?", asked Tree Mouse Girl. "That's where I took the file on the TP bandit, that's where all the other files are, and that's where Olivia and the other girls are meeting tonight.",she said to the stunned heroes. "Why did they even want the bandit's file in the first place?" Mysterion asked. "I don't know, and if I did I wouldn't tell you turds.", she spat the last word as always. "Thank you", Tree Mouse Girl said, astonished that Shelly had actually agreed to turn on her 5th grade masters. "Save your thanks turd. I didn't do this for you I did it for Larry. I hope I never see you and Mysteriturd again." With that she limped back into the night. Stan looked at Mysterion, "Remember, Jacking it in San Diego." And he went to follow his sister.


	8. Attack on South Park Mall

**Here you go Chapter 8. And please if you have any idea to improve the series or just want to say something, write a review. Constructive criticism is always welcome.**

"I'm sorry", Tree Mouse girl said, her face enveloped in the faint glow of the street lights in the mall parking lot. "For what?" "For how I acted back their.", she said ruefully. "It's fine", Mysterion replied attempting to reassure her. "I don't want you to think I'm some kind of fucked up psycho okay. It's just", she paused, "I have a history with these people. I'm not sure if you could tell back there." "I could tell", Mysterion replied deadpan. "And don't worry we all have our demons.", Mysterion said. Oh and also, Kenny thought, psycho chicks are kind of hot.

"Do you have demons?" For a brief moment he considered telling this strange girl he had just met his darkest secret. But he had told his friends, his team, this secret, and they had not believed him. Nobody ever remembered. "Like I said everyone has demons." He left it at that.

"So how are we going to get in their?" Mysterion asked. "Like this" She began to shimmy up one of the lamp posts. Of course. They were arrayed a line right up to the roof of the mall. "Don't try to follow me", Tree Mouse girl yelled down from atop the first lamppost. She was at the top, her legs dangling over the side. "You know I didn't become the most famous superhero in South Park by sitting on my ass", Mysterion riposted. "No, you became famous by being a cheap Batman ripoff and by emanating more angst than Bella Swan on her period.", she snarked back. "Besides I doubt you could do anything like this."

She eased herself onto her feet, her arms stretched out to balance herself on the narrow surface of the streetlight. She looked like a bird. Then she jumped over to the next one. Tree Mouse Girl was like one of those circus acrobats he had seen on TV. Just one post to another. Never stoping. He should have started his own climb. But instead he stood their gaping as she leaped from the last lamppost, onto the roof of the mall above. Mysterion expected her to fire off some sort of taunt. But instead she just disappeared, probably gone inside already, Mysterion thought.

Mysterion looked up at the pole The light shone across his face. It seemed much higher and more intimidating than when Tree Mouse Girl did it. "Well no use standing here", he said to himself, mumbling. Yet he still stood their. "He looked up at it again. I don't want to die again. He thought to himself.

Come on Kenny make like a striper and climb the goddam pole!, he bid himself in thought.. "I don't want to die!", Kenny exclaimed. And that was the end of it.

Several minutes later the door to the mall opened. "Thanks for listening pussy", she yelled across the parking lot at him. Her tone was quite friendly all things considered. "Oh fuck you", he said as he ran though the mall door, a warm smile on his 11 year old face.

—

Tree Mouse girl stayed close to Mysterion as they wandered through the mall, she claimed he would probably know it better than she did. He stopped by the stage where he and his friends had played their big concert that one time. FIngerbang. That was the name of their band, and the name of the only song they ever sang. Kenny had died during the concert and so he had been replaced by Randy. That stupid fuck had somehow managed to convince the band to throw away their chance at fame and fortune. Kenny would have begged them to ride the hype train as far as it took them. But he'd been caused to death by an elevator so he didn't have much say in the decision. He began to hum their song. _Finger bang bang bang bang bang._

 _"_ What are you doing", Tree Mouse girl asked amused. "Oh just thinking of a song me and my friends made up." "Well what's it called?", she asked. Mysterion was about to tell her but then he remembered the need to keep his secret identity, well secret. "It's called none of your business", he smiled smugly at her. She rolled her eyes.

"How do we find out where the girl's clubhouse is", Mysterion said, shifting the conversation. "It'd have to be somewhere isolated. They probably have to be somewhere secret and isolated, somewhere were some boy just couldn't come stumbling in. Mysterion bowed his head in brooding contemplation, kind of like Batman.

It was super cool. "Hey stop that!", Mouse yelled at him. "Stop what?", Mysterion replied. "Your doing the whole solum brody bowing your head in contemplation thing. That thing hasn't been cool since The Dark Knight." She paused for breath. "Anyway you can stop it now, I think I know where we should go. The basement."

They found their way to an elevator. Kenny was tempted to press all the buttons and go on a joy ride, but he restrained himself. Time was of the essence. He pressed the B button, and felt a slight touch of weightlessness as the elevator began to go down.

Their was a silence between them. She was obviously trying to think of something she wanted to say. "Just spit it out.", he said gruffly. "You have no idea who I am do you?", she asked him, her tone indicated that he should have figured it out by now. He tried to think. "You haven't felt any connection between us?", she asked him. "Yes I did. But I just thought. Well I just thought…", he blushed. Before he could finish his sentence the door opened elevator door opened. And waiting for him and this girl he had known were three new foes.

On the left their stood Jasmine. Her face heart shaped face was uncovered. She wore a green cocktail dress with a belt in the middle. On her side, she carried a nightstick. That was presumably her weapon.

In the middle was the Queen Bee herself Olivia. Like Jasmine her face was uncovered too. I guess secret identities are going out of style, Mysterion thought to himself. She had a flashy golden outfit that matched her golden hair and her gold colored crown. Both her hands held a floodlight. That was her weapon.

And on the right their was Britney. She just wore her normal designer clothes. Mysterious had no idea what her powers or weapons were supposed to be.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me! You guys said girl superheroes were lame. You said they were for ugly desperate girls looking to fuck nerds.", Tammy exclaimed. "Superheroes are cool now. My new boyfriend told me so", said Olivia Plus did you see Chris Evans, total hottie", Jasmine swooned.

"Did your boyfriend also tell you that going full Regina George on your fellow girls was also cool?", Tree Mouse girl spat at Olivia. "You know as a matter of fact he did. She gave an evil little smile.

Suddenly Mysterion was blinded by a bright light. He felt the press of hands on his chest and then he fell over. The blinding light was gone. On top of him was Britney. It would have been hot. Except she was clawing his face with he violent intensity of a cat hopped up on crack. Oh fuck this shit he thought, and punched her in the face. She flew off him. Mysterion got to his feet. "You never thought anyone would fight back?", he asked her, amused. "I never thought you would hit a girl!", she shot back at him. "Fuck chivalry I'm a superhero not a knight", he replied. They stood poised for battle. He could see her legs shaking, hear her heavy breathing. She had no stomach for a fight. She stared him down for a few more seconds, and then she bolted. "Coward" he spat at Britney.

The battle had moved further down the hall. Tree Mouse Girl was fighting Olivia and Jasmine. She was trying to block Jasmine's police baton, and doing a good job at it, by the looks of things, but unfortunately that left her open to attack by Olivia. Luckily for her Olivia had no weapon but her floodlight, so all Olivia could do was slap Tammy across the face repeatedly.

Mysterion raced towards the fight. Fire in his eyes. Jasmine was finally able to land a blow on Tree Mouse Girl. Mysterion's friend instinctively clutched her stomach and keeled over. He burned with rage Olivia kept attacking the injured Tree Mouse Girl, while Jasmine turned to confront Mysterion.

"Hey your kind of cute", she said as she swung her club at him. Mysterion dogged. "Thanks", Mysterion replied sarcastically. She swung at him again. Mysterion grabbed the batton. They grappled over it. Mysterion was gaining the upper hand. She spat in his face. Mysterion recoiled back in astonishment, his face covered in wet spittle,his hands no longer griping the nightstick. She rose her arms up and prepared to deliver the coup de gras, but Mysterion was to fast for her. He dodged the blow and delivered a righteous punch to her jaw. Mysterious felt the crunch of his as his fist hit her jaw. Teeth and blood flew out of her mouth. She was on the ground sobbing. Mysterion felt a pang of guilt and shame in his gut, in spite of himself. He had only been defending his friend true, but still, seeing a pretty girl on the ground sobbing like that, it just made Kenny feel like shit. She looked at him. Her glance was full of fear and loathing. I"m a monster, a freak, Mysterion thought to himself. She ran away. I was just defending my friend I ,was just defending my friend, he tried to remind himself. But it didn't make those feelings go away.

—

With Jewl defeated Tree Mouse Girl had easily been able to subdue Olivia. But before she could capture her, Olivia shone her spotlight in Tree Mouse Girl's face, blinding her and allowing Olivia to escape. "Try and catch me!",she yelled, and for some reason flashed a video cassette. Tree Mouse girl ran after her, rage burning in her eyes. "I'll take her alone you find the TP bandit's file!", she shouted back at Mysterion as she took off.

—

After wandering around the basement for some time he found a room a sign above it that helpfully read GURLZ. Not exactly subtle were they, Mysterion thought. He wondered why the girls would go to so much trouble as to hid their clubhouse in the basement of a mall, but then just put a sign up. "PMS", he sighed. "It fucks you up." His alter ego Princess Kenny had learned this to her great sorrow. He turned the knob and the door opened with a rickety creek.

The club house was empty. Two rows of pink desks led up to a giant pink thorne with a seashell in the back. That must have been for Olivia. Their were two smaller thrones on it's side. They really took the whole queen bee thing seriously, Mysterion thought to himself. The door to the right of the throne room had a sign over it that said Gossip Archives. Kenny shudder to think what the girls in his grade might have on him. And what was it with girls anyway. Meetings committees hearings and rules. When the boys wanted to make someone's life hell, they didn't have form a committee, they just fucking did it.

The room was an endless labyrinth of cardboard boxes and pink folders. If Mysterion had had to search the whole thing he would have been stuck their for weeks. Luckily the police folder was right in front of him. Almost like someone had wanted him to find it. No, he chided himself. It was a coincidence. What was this some terribly written fanfic by some aspiring writer trying to solve a plot issue by using a tired cliche, this it was most certainly not, thought Mysterion.

The file contained no discernible patterns. Just a list of address that had been hit. Their were photos of the aftermaths. So gruesome. It would take them weeks to clean them up. And of course their was the photo of what had happened to his beloved Nascar. Just looking at it brought tears to Kenny's eyes. "You will all be avenged", Mysteiron swore.

Interviews with witnesses. Most of the accounts were unreliable, somebody thought he saw a shadow in the dark. And the ones that were contradicted themselves. The Bandit was always a kid, probably around Kenny's age. But his height, what he was wearing, and if he was alone varied from story to story. Mysterion could check out these leads later.

He was about to turn towards the door when out of the corner of his eye he saw, exposed on a shelf right next to the door, a file labeled, "McCormick Family. "So they do have shit on me", Mysterion said aloud. He could stay a bit longer.

The file turned out to be divided into three subsections. First their was Kenny's. They didn't have much on the poor kid. Just some instances of depravity, some jokes about how poor he was, what drugs he had used, and how he was a "total perv."

Mysterion sighed sadly when he looked at Kevan's file. His brother drank to much, had few friends, was a petty criminal, and never spoke to anyone. "Tell me something I don't know.", Mysterion said bitterly. The only thing of interest was a photo of him on his first day of preschool. He was in the middle of the class, wearing shitty goodwill cloths, but he was smiling and waving to the camera. He looked so happy. "What happened to you?", Mysterion spoke aloud. Of course he cold never ask Kevan that question. At best he'd just grunt and say something about needing a drink. At worse he'd call Kenny a fagot and tell him to fuck off and stop asking pretentious questions.

The bit on Karen was small. Just a single print out of an iMessage conversation between Olivia and her brother Josh. Kenny's blood boiled as he read it. Josh, the little shit, and some of his friends had decided to pick on his little sister for being a "trailer trash slut."

If they hadn't been buying his sister that would have made Kenny laugh. He had tried to take Karen along to meet his friends once. She had barely been able to look them in the eyes. The thought of her even talking to boys, let alone…doing things with them was as far out their as Earth being a reality TV show, or every planet in the Galaxy having only one form of life on it.

She had tried to fight back. Bless his brave little sister she had tried. But when you were a small girl trying to defend yourself against a pack of young boys, you stood little chance of success. And in the end she was vanquished. Rage burned inside Kenny as the child gleefully recounted how he and his friends had forces Karen to the ground, hit her, and thrown dirt on her. He could imagine his poor sister crying. The thought made his insides boil like a cauldron of rage. But thankfully those stupid little fucks had been stopped, he said, when Josh Mayor had intervened and told them to leave. Mysterion closed the file.

Why hadn't Karen told him about this? It didn't matter. He'd have to find Josh and thank him. Josh Mayor was a quiet studious kid, Mysterion didn't think he had it in him to be a hero. But then Kenny was hardly hero material ether. Mysterion would also have to keep a close eye on Karen for a while. If someone told bullies to fuck off, often they just tormented the victim when their protector wasn't around, often with increased ferocity. After a while they'd just get bored and move onto some other sap. That's what had happened to Pip. Kenny found himself missing that dumb French fucker.

Mysterion had seen all he needed to see and again turned to leave. A box hit him on the head. "Ow fuck",he exclaimed, vocalizing his pain as he rubbed the top of his head.

Kenny looked up. It must have fallen from the shelf above him. He bent over to pick it up and take a closer look at the offending box. Upon closer examination it seemed not to be a box at all, but a case. He had seen cases like this at that ancient blockbuster Stan's dad bought, "Fucking Randy", Kenny cursed aloud for no particular reason. Unlike most kids Kenny knew what a Video Cassette was, his parents were to poor to afford any other type of video player for the TV, not that you needed one these days.

The cover was made out of paper, someone must have gone through the trouble to wrap the thing. Kenny turned it over. There were words on the back,stylized, written in black marker.

For your enjoyment Lazerus.

Who the fuck was Lazerus?, And why did he have such a gay name, Kenny thought. Mysterious thought of another gay name. Dovahkiin, Doughebag's real name. That got him to thinking about Butters. God those two were so fucking gay. They were worse than Stan and Kyle. Lazerus yes, he had heard that name before.

It was something in a video game. A game Butters played, he now remembered that much as well. No not Dragon Age ,this one had blue boobs not elf boobs, was it Mass Effect? Yes that was where he heard it. Kenny had heard from his Crazy Uncle Jeff, who had heard it from a Fox News, that Mass Effect was some kind of porno game.

So when Butters had gotten the complete trilogy for his Birthday, Kenny had insisted on coming over to his house to play with him. Of course their was no multiplayer for the Campaign so he had been relegated to just watching Butters play. Their were some tits, but it was no porn simulator, and that had made Kenny very disappointed, especially when Butters spent all his time talking to his gay ass crew. If Kenny remembered correctly Lazerus had been in the second game,near the beginning. That was literally all Kenny remembered about the dude.

After that Kenny had just turned out the plot and had Butters stand around looking at Miranda's ass whenever possible. Finally Butters had told him that Mass Effect was a "single player story centric RPG" and if he didn't want to enjoy the story he should just leave. Kenny had left, disappointed that their was no porn and astonished that Fox News had been dishonest.

Kenny finally exited the room. He found himself looking down at the floor. Only now did he notice that their was a red arrow pointed towards the room on the left side of the throne. "Best check it out", thought Mysterion. Maybe he'd find something else on ether the council or the bandit. The room was empty except for a single TV, enthroned on a cart, and on the shelf beneath that, was a VCR. Mysterion immediately grew suspicious. The convenient location of the bandit's file, the file on his family, the VCR, the arrow on the floor. All these things were clearly leading him on a path. And he doubted the destination was anywhere he'd want to go. And clearly whomever this individual was at least suspected that Mysteiron's true identity was the very un mild mannered Kenny McCormick. Mysterion wanted to turn back but he couldn't. Some part of him couldn't resist the challenge, and looked forward to confronting the darkness that lay at the other side of that trail.

He inserted the cassette tape into the VCR. Maybe this guy wants to be caught,a voice inside Kenny's head suggested. He had heard of criminals who treated their work as some sort of craft and wanted to be discovered so their deeds could be "recognized." He remembered the vague pang of jealousy he felt as they had led Kyle away. He hadn't had to go to spend a cold night in jail for Vigilanteism true, but he remembered the look everyone had given Kyle when he had unmasked himself. The admiration, the hero worship, the dam recognition. A small part of him craved that for himself. "Then how are you different from those sick twisted punks?", the voice inside his head inquired. "I'm a good guy", he reassured himself. But the words were hollow.

The tape began to play. It was security footage , he could tell by the black and white color of the footage and the grimy quality of the video. The date on the bottom, that seemed familiar. The screen showed a parking lot. Two figures appeared, walking hand in hand. As they got closer,Kenny could see one of them wore a certain orange parka. The other was a girl had long streaked brown hair with blond highlights. He would recognize her face anywhere, it was his ex girlfriend Tammy Warner.

He now knew what this was a video of. After his friends had ended Disney's control over the Jonas bothers, and by extension Kenny and Tammy, they had been so happy. That dam ring had nearly turned them into lifeless Grey's Anatomy watching zombies. Tammy had decided they should go to TGI Fridays. Where she had blown a guy. Everyone had thought she was a slut for that. Well she was but Kenny didn't care. She was his beautiful fun feisty girlfriend. And if she was more likely to fuck him than why complain about it?

He had known what she wanted. And he knew he wanted the same thing. "I can't watch this.", Mysterion said, as Tammy led him behind some bushes where she had thought nobody could see them.

He wanted to look away. But a voice inside his head told him that what he found would be important in the hunt to come. Kenny giggled a bit. "To cum". Mysterion cringed a little as he watched and remembered. That experience he had always dreamed about had been an awkward nightmare. The fact that he had died from syphilis didn't help things ether. Kyle was right. He and Tammy had been way to young for that, better to just jerk off.

He expected the whole thing to be over with as he saw the kid in the parka make the worlds weirdest O face. But the camera kept rolling. It recorded him as he grabbed his throat. The color of his face changed to a darker hue, Kenny remembered feeling green. He keeled over. And died. Tammy by his side crying.

Mysterion hurriedly pressed the eject button. This changed everything. All his life he had tried to prove that he died and came back to life. A spark of elation flew through him. He would no longer be alone. He grabbed the tape and raced out of the club house. He entered the elevator, pressed the button and it began to climb to the ground floor. He was jumping for joy inside that metal box. All those years of struggling alone. All those years of silent pain. Those were about to come to an end.

The elevator doors opened and Kenny raced for the mall door. He didn't think about Karen, or Tammy, or even the TP bandit. All he thought of was the ordeal that was about to end.

Outside the mall the air was cold as death. The night was still. Mysterion saw a shadow lounging on the wall of the mall, a bit to his right. "Hello Kenny", it called out in sinister greeting. He sounded a lot like Butters. Only cold, contemptful, and sinister. Not the fake kind like that stupid voice Professor Chaos had, but the honest to god real thing that grew icicles on your spine. But as he got closer Mysterion could see that this was indeed Professor Chaos. He kept coming closer. Mysterion stood to face him. Not making any movement. He was frozen with fear. A terror that struck to the core of his very being. Dammit Kenny was a depraved little coward, but Mysterion was supposed to be better than this. "The darkness sends it's regards", Butters, the boy who had once called Kenny, "the only one around here with any integrity said, as he plunged a dagger into Kenny's throat.

He grabbed at it. The pain. Oh the pain. Poor scared little Kenny fell to the ground. His vision faded. "Oh fuck", he tried to say, but only blood gargled out. The world swirled around him. The doors to the mall swung open. "Kenny!", Tree Mouse girl cried out. She put her hand on his throat. "Oh Ken I'm so sorry for getting you messed up in this", she said as her tears fell onto his face. He remembered who she was. "Tammy", he gargled. He wanted to say so much more. But the blackness took him yet again.

 **Okay so a lot happened in this Chapter I just need to clear a few things up.**

 **First yeah I know Syphilis doesn't work like I portrayed it, but this is South Park, the show that turned Canada into a Mystical Kindom inhabited by people with Football shaped heads who fart all the time. Let's not let facts get in the way of a good story.**

 **And secondly this chapter had a lot of Mass Effect references so I'd like to clear that up. When the game came out Fox News said it was a sex simulator. Needless to say this was not true.**


	9. A vilain's point of view

**This is a bit different from previous chapters.**

"Is it done?", he asked his servant. "Yes master", the blond boy said. "Good", the Dark-haired child replied. All is going according to plan. "Master if I may", the blond boy squeaked. "What is it", he growled at his creature. "What is the plan exactly." "The plan.", he said, thinking how to explain such an elegant scheme. "I have already told you. It is a plan to bring unimaginable suffering to this quiet little Mountain town. To show them the Darkness I have shown you. To break them bit by bit until their is nothing left but dark vile hate. I will not destroy this town. I will merely aid them in destroying themselves." He smiled a vile little smile, at the cleverness of his plan. Of course the hadn't done anymore than spewed platitudes. But his servant fell for it anyway. The poor little kid was so naive. And after suffering nothing but torment and pain all his life he had nobody else to turn to.

"But why the poor kid", the lost boy asked. "Because he has something I want. And I don't like people who have things I want.", if he had expressed the full extent of his rage it would probably have killed the lost boy. But then that would be no great loss. "And because he has a great power. A great power I don't understand. And I don't like that ether."

The blond boy was biting his lip. Their was something else, something more personal he wanted to ask his master. "Speak.", he said irritably. "I don't like this Olivia girl. She doesn't truly understand you." The Dark One could the feel the blond boy's jealousy. "Don't worry my little crumpet.", he nestled him to his chest. "She means nothing to me.

That's why I don't allow her to truly understand me like you do." He had told Olivia the same thing about his servant the night before.


	10. Aftermath

Kenny woke up screaming. He rolled over and fell face first on the floor. "That does it!", his brother exclaimed. "Kevan not everything in life is one giant plot to fuck you in the ass. I've had a really bad day so I'm sorry if I've been having nightmares." Kenny didn't dare tell his brother the truth. That he had just been murdered and had come back from the dead. "Well it sure seems like it," Kevan growled bitterly. "Let me guess your going to keep doing this every night until I have to share a room with Karen again." "No that's not what I'm doing your being fucking paranoid man." Meth and bitterness would do that to a man. Kenny knew from experience.

"Get the fuck back to sleep," Stewart yelled from his room. "It's three o Clock in the fucking morning." Kenny climbed back in his bed.

He couldn't get to sleep. The nightmares had been terrible. He had been forced to relive every single death he had ever suffered. He had awoken only after reliving the latest one. This time he didn't see himself being stabbed, or remember the pain. He only saw Butters face. Twisted with contempt and hatred. Hatred for his false friend and for the world that had dealt him such a bad hand.

Anger bubbled inside the cauldron that was Kenny's heart. He'd been made an honorary Hawaiian. Butters had called him his best friend. But they had grown apart almost immediately after they had gotten back from Hawaii. And now Douchebag was Butter's best friend. And Butters hated Kenny enough to kill him. Well Kenny was damed if he wouldn't return the favor. When he saw that phony sack of crap at school he would fucking beat the crap out of him. And Douchebag too. That kid probably had something to do with this. It wasn't in ether Butters or Chaos's nature to be a murderer. But he could be prompted into violence by others. He had once tried to blow up a hospital at the urging of the Coon. If it could happen before it could happen again.

Even if he wasn't freshly traumatized by his latest death, and the betrayal of someone he had thought of as, if not a friend, than at least a pretty good kid, he still couldn't go back to sleep. He had to much on his mind. Karen, Tammy, the TP bandit, and his murder. It was all to much to think about. He yawned. Too much to think about. Just to much. And he fell into a deep sleep.

He was kissing a grown up Tammy in her Tree Mouse Girl costume. "You know Tree Mouse Girl is a pretty shit name for a superhero." "Well what should I call myself?", she said twirling her hair. "How about…." "Wake up", a voice that wasn't his or Tammy's said. "Wake up Kenny wake up." He could feel his arm moving as he opened his eyes. "Wake up it's time for school." It was his sister Karen. "I'm up I'm up." He rubbed his eyes. "What time is it." "Eight." He leapt out of his bed. "Thanks Karen." He had to be at school at eight thirty. She had given him just enough time to get breakfast and pack his bag. "Thanks Karen." "Your welcome.", she smiled and did a little happy dance. He looked over at the other bed. "Where's Kevin?" "He went out with some friends.", Karen explained. "To school?", Kevin was truent more often than not. "I don't know. I'm just a little girl nobody tells me anything", Karen said, she looked at the ground. "Did he get you up?", Kenny asked his sister. "No I did that myself. Mom and Dad are to stoned to do anything this morning

Oh shit the tape,Kenny thought as he was eating his cereal, and thinking about just what he would do to Butters and Douchebag when he got his hands on them. Kenny rummaged in his closet. That was where stuff usually went after he died. The tape. Where was the tape. Not in the pockets of his Mysterion costume. Not under a pile of dirty socks. It wasn't in his backpack ether. "Oh shit", Kenny said in a whisper. He rummaged some more. "FUCK!", he yelled as he finally realized the awful truth. That the tape that could prove that he died and came back to life. That tape that could end his torment was gone.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry!", Karen yelled, struggling to keep the tears from her eyes. She must have thought she was the object of his anger. "It's not you Karen it's….", he thought of everything that had happened. Over these last few,very weird days. "Something else. Come one I'll walk you to school."

"Kenny I'm scared", Karen said to her brother as they trudged thought the snow. "Why are you scared Karen?", Kenny asked feigning ignorance. No matter what his sister could never find out that he was Mysterion. "Some boys tried to hurt me, don't worry it wasn't too bad,"she said trying to reassure her brother. And Ruby Tucker says I'm a slut and now everyone hates me even more than they already did. And it's all my fault.", she said crying. "Karen your not a slut and none of this is your fault.", Kenny said forcibly. "Yes it is", Karen continued to sob. Kenny put his hand on her shoulder. "Look at me", she looked him in the eyes. "None of this is your fault okay?" " "Okay,"Karen said sounding not at all convinced of her own innocence. Kenny was going to have to have a good long talk with Ruby, and those boys too. After he was done beating the shit out of Butters and Douchebag of course.


	11. Friends New and Old

Class was a bore as usual. The teacher talked and talked about useless shit that Kenny didn't care about. Kyle actually did his work,as did Josh. Cartman slept. Douchebag sat in the back of the class and texted god knows whom. And Butters drew pictures off Butterflies. Really working hard to keep up the act aren't you buddy?,Kenny thought. His heart filled with hate, it crawled inside him like some sort of black goo. The Darkness sends it's regards. That was what he had said. Was this the darkness Butters was talking about?

The bell sounded and the kids bounded off into the hallway. He tapped Josh on the shoulder. "Yes", the boy said, turning to face Kenny. "I heard you saved my sister from a gang of bullies.

Thanks." "Oh it was nothing at all", the boy said in a refined voice "No it was something. Not everyone would take time out of their day to help out a small girl from white trash family like mine. You have anywhere to sit for lunch?", he had never seen Josh at any of the other tables. "No I don't at the moment." "Well why don't you sit with me and my friends.", Kenny said. "Oh that would be grand absolutely spectacular.", a warm smile crossed his face. "Do yourself a favor", Kenny said as he put his hand on Josh's shoulder, "don't talk all fancy like that. We had this one French kid. We used to give him all sorts of shit. If you aren't careful you could end up just like him." "I'll keep that in mind", Josh nodded his head.

Kenny needed to talk to Tammy. Chances were she, like everyone else, didn't remember his death, and thus he needed to inform her that he knew she knew he was Mysterion. He bid Josh farewell and ran for the 5th grade lockers. His heart beat up from his chest like a drum.

She wasn't there. "Shit", Kenny cursed under his breath. He grabbed a peace of paper from his backpack and drew a mouse climbing a tree on it,wrote his cell phone number, he hadn't had one when they were together, and taped it to the side of Tammy's locker. He headed for the cafeteria.

After standing on line for what seemed like an eternity, to receive the gruel the school insisted on calling lunch, Kenny made a b line for his usual table. He made a point to sit as far away as possible from Butters. He was still going to beat the fuck out of him that was for certain, but he had come to the conclusion that if he started beating the shit out of Butters and Douchebag, and justified it to his friends by saying, "Butters killed me, by the way I die all the time and come back to life, but nobody remembers, and Douchebag is some sort of evil mastermind who had ordered Butters to commit said most foul murder, and that all of this could be proven by an old security tape that showed Kenny getting his dick sucked in the parking lot of TJI Fridays", his friends might thing he was battshit crazy. No he would have to wait for revenge, but it would be his, that was certain.

The others ate their lunch and conversed as usual, well except douchebag who said nothing as always, what was he a fucking mime. Hardly anyone noticed Kenny, as was par for the course with his friends. Normally this pissed him off, but right now it was welcome. After a night of brutal action all he wanted to do was eat his gruel in peace godamit. He suspected Craig felt the same way.

He glanced around the lunch room. Tammy was sitting at a table near the back surrounded by her friends. While Tammy had taken their breakup okay, the same could not be said of her friends, who had promised to "claw Kenny's eyes out", if he ever spoke to Tammy again.

"Kenny you should really get your sister under control.",it was Craig. "I was just about to tell you that. Your sister's been going around calling Karen a slut. It's been getting her bullied.", Kenny retorted. "Well your sister did steal my sister's boyfriend.", Craigs voice was as flat and deadpan as always. Kenny leapt from his seat. "That didn't happen. Have you even met Karen? And I'll have you know Ruby is a lying manipulative little bitch who loves nothing more to get other people blamed for her problems." "Yeah and Karen's a slut.", he went back to munching on his sandwich. "Wonder where she gets it from", Craig muttered as he chewed his food.

"FUCK YOU!", he yelled at Craig. "Ch-Ch-Ch ilax bro", Jimmy stuttered. "I know lots of whores, and most of them are p-p-p-p pe-perfectly nice people. "Jimmy shut up." "What's the matter Kenny", Stan said, "pissed that someone is mistreating your sister. I can't begin to imagine what that feels like.", his voice was cold. Cold as that night on the basketball court. "Maybe your all wrong. I mean who would know Karen better than her brother?" This was the second time Josh had come to the defense of Karen, and once again Kenny was grateful. This kid would make a much better friend than all those other assholes.

"Face it dude your sister's a slut", Cartman said between bites of food. "So's your mom!", Kyle yelled at his nemesis. "Hay you take that back or else I'm gonna", "kick you in the nuts.", Kyle finished for him. "They are repeating each others sentences",Token observed, deadpan. "Kyman confirmed",snarked Craig. An awkward silence fell over the table.

"Hey if Karen needs work she can always call up the girls at my old kissing company., Butters chirped happily. Oh that was it. Butters could lead him around on a wild goose chase, take the one means he had to prove he could conquer death, and even kill him. But to do all that and pretend to be the kid with a heart full of magic. And to use that persona to be a concern troll and slut shame his sister. That was where Kenny drew the line. Their would be no caution. No waiting. Now was the time for action.

Words could not express the deep anger, grief,and loneliness, Kenny felt after everything he had been through. But the eruption of sound he made as his fist made contact with Butters's face got the point across well enough.


	12. The Walk Home

Kenny had been lucky to avoid detention. As it turned out PC principle wasn't a big fan of slut shaming. Instead of giving Kenny detention he had assigned the others a 1,000 word essay on why it was wrong to judge women for exploring their sexuality. Of course the man had ignored Kenny's protests that his sister wasn't actually a slut. "Of course she's not a slut, she's an empowered young woman in control of her sexuality.", he had said. As far as his friends were concerned that was the exact same thing.

He took care to avoid his friends on the walk home from school. He wanted to be alone. Josh followed him anyway. "Don't do this to yourself man, Butters got what was coming to him." Kenny tilted his head, "What am I doing to myself?" "Your choking yourself with guilt. You've let doubt pollute your mind. Well don't. Your right and those fuckers are wrong." His words renewed Kenny's confidence in himself. The truth was he had begun to feel doubt. As obviously ill timed as Butters remark was, that kind of cheery off the cuff advice, as ill timed and insensitive as it was, was classic Butters. He had never sensed any ill intent behind it before, though that was probably because those were rarely directed at him. But Josh's words had given him the strength to see the truth. Butters had been evil since the day he had met him, and the whole sweet little lonely victim thing had been nothing but a cruel ruse. After all why else would he spend spend so much time being Cartman's sidekick.

They passed a house covered in toilet paper. Mysterious clenched his fists. "This is my place", said Josh. He shrugged, "sorry it's not exactly presentable. We got TP'd last night.", he said in good humor. That cow fucker had TP'd the same night he'd ordered Kenny murdered. For some reason this made Kenny even more pissed. It was like his enemy was mocking Mysterion's inability to do anything about him. "Their've been a lot of TPing's around here lately", Kenny said absentmindedly, trying to hide how much he cared about this case. "Yeah I heard somebody TP'd Nascar", Josh was looking at him. "Oh I know all about what that fucker did to Nascar. And thanks for being the only other person to care.", he smiled grimly.

"Well maybe the Coon and Friends will catch him. I mean this is the type of villain they specialize in taking down right?", Josh twaddled his thumbs innocently. Mysterion bristled at the mention of his team. "The Coon and Friends are a bunch of fucking retarded wannabes", he snapped. "You sound like you know them rather well:, Josh said, stroking his chin. "Oh I know them. And they don't live up to the hype believe me. The Coon's a psychopath who thinks being a hero means making the world a better place for himself, and the rest of them are little better. Their just kids looking for glory. None of them knows a dam thing about being real heroes!" With that said he stormed off down the street towards his own home. "And what about Mysterion?", Josh yelled to him. Kenny turned around. "What about him?", Kenny asked. "Everyone says he's the best of them. Is he really any different from the others?" Kenny thought of his power,of Tammy, and all the crazy shit that had happened over the last few days,"Yeah he's different all right." And he once again turned towards home.


	13. The Women of Kenny McCormick

**How is it that Karen was virtually invisible for 15 seasons?**

As Kenny walked home he spied a gaggle of hipsters sipping wine on the lofts over looking his house. He spat at the base of the structure. It was 3 PM and these fuckers were drinking. They were no better than Kenny and his lot, in fact as far as Kenny was concerned they were much worse.

He had been at home for scarcely a minute when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It was a text from Tammy.

[[WTF was that drawing you stuck in my locker?]]

Kenny pursed his lips. Her disapproval stung more than he had expected it might.

[[Sorry I'm not an artist]], Kenny texted.

He breathed. Time for the big reveal.

[[I know you are Tree Mouse Girl and that you know I'm Mysterion. Sorry for taking so long to figure that out.]] He entered a smiling emoji.

He waited for a few seconds, that seemed like an eon, for her response.

[[Took you long enough]]. A few seconds later a gyph of Pewee Herman appeared with the caption "connect the dots", underneath it.

Kenny smiled in spite of himself. Even if Tammy wasn't his girlfriend anymore she still was a good friend, better than any other Kenny had. It was a fucking shame it had taken him so long to realize that. He shouldn't have thrown the baby out with the bathwater all those weeks ago, or all those years ago. Karen had cried all night and his mother had been irate.

[[Did you find what you wanted?]], he inquired.

[[No, Olivia gave me the slip. At school she said she gave it to someone else.

[[So why did you just vanish in the middle of the mission?]]

Right then Kenny made up his mind to tell her the truth about his unusual condition. Once he retrieved the video everyone would know anyway. Besides the TP bandit and his henchman Butters knew the secret. If his enemies already knew what was the point of keeping it from his friends, even if they wouldn't believe him.

[[It's complicated.]], he explained, knowing it would not be enough for her. [[I'll explain it to you tonight in person. I don't know who the TP Bandit is, but I know who one of his henchmen is and where I can find his lair.]] he hit send. .

[[And what do I gain from this?]] Tammy asked.

[[The TP bandit is obviously in league with Olivia and her friends. We take him down we find whatever it is you were looking for.]] He waited.

[[So what do you say?]] he asked again.

He waited and he waited and he waited.. Still no Tammy. "Kenny you should get started on your homework", his mom said, not in the least surprised that he had managed to get himself to school and back without her help. Being poor and having both of his parents being avid consumers of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Kenny had had to learn to look out for himself at a young age. His parents had gotten better, due to the joint threats of having their kids hauled off to foster care and Mysterion beating the shit out of them.

Their wasn't much else to do so Kenny got to work on his homework. His Mom sat down at the Kitchen table next to him. She smiled as he busied himself with a math worksheet. "You know your the best of everyone in this family at schoolin right?", she smiled at her son. "Your my special little boy." "You mean I'm the only one who isn't fucked up by some mental disorder.", he sneered at her. The rest of the statement,'and their fucked up because you couldn't stop drinking and getting high for 9 months', was left unsaid. His father would have hit him or yelled at him for saying something so disrespectful. His mother just looked down sadly and got up from the table.

Bored, and uninterested in the sums, Kenny doodled on the page. He drew Princess Kenny. Her long blond feminine hair blowing in the wind ready for action, her bow drawn, and her titties flashing. Kenny had been to an art museum as part of a school field trip. A lot of the paintings and sculptures had been just as pervy as his shit if not moreso. Especially the Greeks and the Romans. Jesus Christ those dudes were fucked up. He supposed it made sense. Olden times was when Game of Thrones had happened. Ans as much as South Park sucked, living in Westeros would be a bajillion times worse.

Kenny had given up waiting for Tammy to text and was about to suit up to go infiltrate Professor Chaos's lair when his phone buzzed

[[Okay I'm in. I'll see you their. Try not to text me so much were both poor and this shit costs money.]] Tammy texted. Kenny jumped for joy. I

Imprudently he texted

[[Tammy I'm sorry we broke up. It was a mistake. I was afraid. Please take me back.]]

Their was no response.

—

Mysterion froze like a dear caught in head lights. He gazed at the tearful eyes that watched him from the window. They were blue like his own. Karen. Oh god, Kenny thought, his heart pounding. She'd seen him jump out from Kenny' window. She knew who he was. Mysterion ran up to the window, preparing to explain why he had hid his identity from her. She turned away from the window

"Karen wait, he said as he clambered up into her room. "I'm so sorry please don't leave me", Guardian Angel, she wailed, tears in her eyes. "Why would I do that?", Mysterion asked in his usual gruff voice. "Because whores don't get Guardian angles! I'm like a worthless peace of chewed gum. And angels don't watch over chewed gum!", she blubbered. Mysterion placed his arms around his little ward. "Karen your not a chewed peace of gum your a girl", Mysterion said more sternly than he had meant to.

"He left me too you know", she said, presumably referring to Ruby's boyfriend. "He was so nice to me. He thought I was pretty. He told me so. He noticed me. Nobody notices me", Karen's voice softened into a whisper. "Then one day he said he wanted to kiss. I said no. He was dating Ruby and I didn't want to make her feel sad. But he said he was giving me his heart and if I didn't kiss him he'd hate me. So I did."

"You know sometimes I feel happy when I'm sad.", she confessed to her angel. "Why?",Mysterion asked. "Well most of the times anyone pays any attention to me is when I'm sad. That's the only time you show up guardian angel." The awful truth was that she was right. Most of the time Kenny hardly remembered Karen existed. But whenever she got into trouble he or Kevan would race off like gallant knights to comfort her.

"I'm a terrible little sister and I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to have a guardian angel.", she buried her face in her pillow. "No your not.", Mysterion lifted his charge up and looked her in the eye. "You can't control how you feel Karen. Only what you do. So your not perfect, nobody's perfect." That was certainly true for Kenny McCormick. That was why Mysterion was here. Mysterion looked out for the week. He took care of his sister. He kicked villain ass. And he did the things Kenny McCormick could never do. Kenny was a perverted little shit who enabled Cartman and died way to often. How could he be anyone's guardian angel?

It was time to go. "And don't worry Karen. Your far from the first person to do stupid shit for love.


	14. The Coon and Friends

**Thanks for being so patient Random Writer 197**

South Park's greatest, and only, superhero team, the Coon and Friends were huddled around the Coon's cell phone, his Coonmunicator. "The Coon and his friends are a bunch of fucking retarded wannabes", Kenny ranted to some other kid. "Oh grow up dude", Kyle muttered under his breath before he was silenced by a loud shhhhhh, from the team. "The Coon's a psychopath." "Fuck you", the Coon shouted at the screen. He was shushed as well. "who thinks being a hero means making the world a better place for himself." "Well that's what it means you fucking retard!", Cartman yelled at the video, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And the rest of them are little better. Their just kids looking for glory." The boys watched as their friend continued to converse. When Kenny was asked if Mysterion was different, he stared off into space for a while than said , "Yeah he's different all right." The video ended after that.

"Yeah he's different all right",Stan said imitating Mysterion's deep throaty Batman ripoff voice. "Oh shove it up your pretentious buttole Kenny.", he replied to his fake Mysterion persona. "Who does he think he is?", Tupperware asked to nobody in particular. "He's become a hipster."

"He's disappeared up his own asshole." "Why did we ever elect him as leader?" "That Motherfucker." "Timmy!"

"The video was sent to us by Professor Chaos, he probably seeks to divide us", Kyle warned. "Yeah but Chaos wouldn't be able to fabricate that video. That's Kenny's voice and he said that shit about us.", Token retorted . "That motherfucker", Cartman threw up his arms in indignation. "Yep that's Kenny dissing us for sure", Clyde added.

The boys sat down around two plastic tables joined together. The merged table was covered over with a white cloth with the Coon's logo emblazoned in the middle in black. The coon himself sat at the head of the table. The other heroes sat in plastic chairs at his flanks. The Coon wasted no time getting down to business. "I call a motion to expel Mysterion from the Coon and friends for being a butthole. All in favor say aye!", he shouted. And all shouted "Aye", in agreement, all except for Kyle, well and Timmy, who just shouted "Timmy!", which was assumed to mean aye.

The Human Kite spoke. "Look you guys I get that Mysteiron is being a dick. But that doesn't mean we should kick him off the team." "Yeah but he called us kids.", said Clyde. "Yeah that's fucked up", Stan added. "We already voted to kick him out. Your not going to change our minds Kyle", the Coon yelled from the front of the room.

Kyle sighed. "I just feel like we shouldn't be so harsh on him. I mean he just found out his sister's a whore. That would fuck up anybody." "That's no excuse for calling us children", Stan. said in rejoinder.

Kyle switched tracts. "Mysterion's our most popular character. We get rid of him we get rid of half the franchise. And I would also like to tell you that it feels like a pretty dick move to kick him out without even telling him about the plan for the CCU*." The Coon was unexpectedly calm. "I understand what your saying Human Kite. Mysterion's life may indeed be a never ending deluge of torment and pain that made his turn to evil inevitable." He bowed his head. "But the reality is that he is evil. And here at the Coon and Friends we don't let evil doers on our team, we fight them." His voice soared as he made the final point. And the hearts of the others soared with them. Oddly nobody, not even Kyle, thought to call the Coon out on his obvious hypocrisy. How he had committed much greater sins, and had been not only forgiven, but allowed to resume his post as team leader.

"As to your concerns about the future of the franchise have no fear, we'll just follow Marvel's example." Of course they would. While Cartman didn't seem to particularly like Disney products, if asked he would confess that he didn't like that the heroes always won and how everything ended "happily ever after." As for Marvel well he felt their movies had to much Weadon porn, that their villains were subpar, and that Thanos was taking way to fucking long But nobody had asked the Coon about any of this.

However, though he thought little of their stories , Cartman worshiped at the feet of Mickey's business strategy. This malevolent mouse had somehow managed to con the world into accepting him as the Emperor of all entertainment.

The MCU in particular had drawn the Coons attention. As he had studied it, and the shady behind the scenes dealings that enabled the publics regular heroics pornos to make it to the theater, he had become convinced that the could make the Coon and Friends into a franchise with the same, and perhaps greater potential for profit. Screw 1 million dollars. He wanted to make 1 Billion. The fact that this goal would allow him to exercise complete dictatorial control over the team, one cannot have a franchise if all the different characters are doing their own thing with no regard for the continuation of the broader cinematic universe, made the proposiion all the more sweet in the Coon's twisted eyes.

"We'll just pretend he never existed, write him out of the comics, not make his toys, not promote his movies when they are inevitably made by some other studio. Then we replace him with characters lower down in our lineup. Before long Mysteiron will be nothing more than a piece of the nostalgia for hipsters and comics fans to obsess over. The rest of our audience, the ones who will watch the movies and make us actual money, will when asked about him simply say, 'who is Mysteiron?'" The room was quite. Something about that speech had sent a gust of cold wind up Kyle's spine.

"I call a motion to discuss adding new heroes to the roster", Stan said, switching the topic. "We've already decided to add Jimmy and Scott Malkinson, so we've got replacements for both Mintberry crunch and Mysterion, how many more do we need?", asked the Coon. All the successful Marvel movies were jam-packed with cheesy one liners. And if their was one kid who did one liners better than any cripple alive it was Jimmy Valmer. Scot was added because while they already had a sex icon to make fangirls swoon, himself of course, they lacked a hero with the innocence of a lamb, that would trigger their maternal instincts. Butters would have been preferable for that role, he had Scots good nature and inability to stand up fro himself, and, the Coon was forced to admit to himself, was pretty good looking. But of course that was impossible. So the lisping pepper with diabetes would have to do. "Cartman, Marvel has a shit ton more characters than we do.", Stan said, appealing to the Coon's greedy nature. "Yeah but they waited years to get to that.", the Coon retorted. "All in favor" Stan asked. "The room spoke in unison with a cry of "Aye." The Coon glared intensely into Toolshed's's yellow work goggle covered "So Toolshed", "who do you propose we add to the team?", he sneered condescending.

Stan took in a deep breath. He knew it would be tough to convince the guys on this one. "Look a lot of girls are getting into superheroes lately. One of them is Wendy." " yyy eah I'll bbbbet she's getting into Suuuupppperheroes", Jimmy stuttered. "Bow chicka bow wow", Cartman said moving his hands forwards and backwards. Stan eyed The Coon and Jimmy menacingly. "No not I like that. I mean they want to become Superheroes." "Oh I get it your girlfriend sent you over here to ask if we could let her on the team." "Wwwwwow your rrrrrealy whipped", said Jimmy. Cartman activated an app on the communicator and a loud _whip_ sound emanated. All laughed. All except Stan. "No it's not about that I just think that she would be a great addition to the team.", he said defensively. "Yeah as much as I like teasing Stan I have to agree, Wendy is pretty cool" , said Token, a man who would know from experience. "Oh wow you guys are seriously considering letting a girl on the team.", said the Coon. "Marvel did it", Cylde pointed out. "Yeah Black Window's cool.", said the Human Kite. "Fine fine I'll consider it. What she call herself?", the Coon asked with hurried irritation. "Call Girl" "Okay fine. We'll consider allowing Call Girl onto the team. But before we do that we have to look at other options." "Craig might be interested." "Fine I'll text him", said Cartman. They discussed the suitability of several other potential candidates, including Douchebag, Dogpoo, and Tweek. Cartman disliked all of them.  
"You guys", said Kyle, "Did you ever think that maybe Mysterion was right about the TP bandit, and that we really should go deal with him?" "As a matter of fact I did.", said The Coon. "Then why did you kick him out?" "Because he crossed a line. A line that divides hero from villain right from wrong. And that line is disrespecting the athoritah of the Coon.!" "Of course it's all about you", rolled his eyes in dull surprise. "Well the team is called Coon and Friends.", spoke the Coon. "Look I think we should take this guy down too, but does anyone have a plan to do it?", Tupperware inquired. For a brief moment the Coon considered revealing the brilliant scheme he had concocted. But before he could divulge his intentions the door to the basement swung open. "Eric it's time for bed", his Mom called from the top of the stairs. The Coon protested but his mother held her ground. Bedtime was an issue she seemed more reluctant to budge on these days.

The Coon wished his friends farewell. He climbed up to his room. By his bedside was a package labeled "Mouse Trap." Everything was going according to plan.

*Coon Cinematic Universe.


	15. Of texts and fairies

**Sorry for not posting in a while, but I've been busy. Anyway as you will probably notice the story begins as a text conversation. I've done this before but I think my current method is better.**

 **Also (( is Cartman's texts, while (is the TP bandit 's. Let me know what you think of this chapter, I could really use the feedback.**

((Yo yo bandito))

(Never speak to me like that again. Are we clear Coon?)

((Yeah okay bro whatever))

(I'm not your bro.)

((Whatever dude. Anyway I just wanted to let you know I received the package))

(And)

((And what))

(You know how to use it?)

((Of course I do duh))

(Good. Then I'm sure you know the implications of the video for our old friend)

((Yeah I get it those implications are very unfortunate))

(You might want to talk to his lady friend. Though I'm sure you know you are well acquitted with the art of blackmail)

((Right blackmail Kenny's girlfriend, of course.))

(Get it done Coon.)

Cartman set his phone down and paced about the room. "You know why you did this. This is a one Coon franchise and their wasn't enough room for the both of us."

Two gritty angsty heroes with questionable morels. Hah that was a barrel of laughs. One of them would become a superstar. A franchise header. A winner. The other would be consigned to the C list and probably killed off in the first major crossover.

In a just world the superior super hero, the Coon, would obviously prevail. However this was not a just world. But a fallen one. Filled with vice and crime and Jews. And Mysterion had a certain charm to him. The Coon always strived to make the world a better place. And yet that angsty redneck's fandom was twice the size of his.

Cartman had never been able to figure that out. As far as he could discern people liked Mysterion because he was so dark and gritty that their was little to no difference between him and the villains. The Coon by contrast was a pure hearted idealist who always strove to make the world a better place. Yes that was it.

It didn't matter anyway. Mysterion had been expelled from the team. And yet Cartman knew that you could climb your way back up to grace from even the deepest falls. He had done it himself.

His phone buzzed.

(Cartman)

((Yes))

(Your doing your job right?)

((What else would I be doing?))

(Pondering why everyone likes Mysterion more than you. And wondering if he could ever upstage you)

((No way dude that shit's gay))

(Glad to hear it.)

(Get to work Coon or I will find another two bit "superhero" to replace you.)

The conversation was ended. He picked up the package in his hands. "This thing plays video?", he asked himself. He shook the ancient device up and down. "Now who do I know who hunts ancient devices." Cartman stroked his chin in contemplation. "What about Indiana Jones", a small voice just above his head. Cartman spun his head around, "Who said that?" "It,s me, Cupid Me.", the slight voice replied. "Cupid Me what are you doing here? You only get involved in lovey dovey shit." "Your in love silly. Your in love with that Superhero guy." "Fuck you man I hate Kyle!", Cartman shouted in denial. "No it's not Kyle silly", he sounded off with one of his classic tee-heee-hee's. "Well it ain't Mysterion that's for sure. I told you dude I'm strait!", Cartman stomped his foot to emphasize his anger. "No silly, the hero you love is the Coon." Cartman raise his eyebrows. "Dude you do know that I'm the Coon right?" "Yes, you love yourself.", he said like it was the most obvious things in the world. "But that's beside the point. You need somebody who knows about ancient artifacts. "Jones has been in four movies about hunting down ancient artifacts. He knows how these things work.

"You mean three movies and a turd in a nuke proof refrigerator", the fat boy snarked. "Also I really don't like the anti- Nazi bigotry he displayed in the first and third movies.", he stroked his hairless chin in contemplation. "Still I suppose the second one makes up for all of that PC shit.", Cartman said with a shrug of his shoulders.

A quick Google search revealed that Jones lived in Wyoming. The Coon donned his costume, grabbed some money for the bus, surveyed his room one last time, and leap out his window into the cold cold night.


	16. A Sombre Reunion

Mysterion paced by the entrance to the U Store It park. He tried to keep what Karen had told him out of his mind, but it just kept coming back. He had always know Kenny was a terrible brother, and a terrible person in most other aspects of his life. But Mysterion had always assumed that he himself was cut from different cloth. Now he had found out the ugly truth. That Mysterion had proved to be a guardian angel just as bad, if not worse, than Kenny McCormick.

The thought of his sister getting with boys made Kenny want to gag. _I'm such a fucking hypocrite,_ Kenny thought to himself. It wasn't even that she was kissing boys that upset him so much. No what really upset him was that she wasn't doing it to enjoy herself, but rather in a desperate bid to make people like her. And of course the boys took advantage of her. Were she not his sister, and not so young, he would have done the same thing. That realization cast a dark shadow over his heart. _Your not a good person. Your white trash deal with it._

Where was Tammy? The thought that maybe she was just fucking with him had occurred to Mysterion. He couldn't blame her. He'd never told her the reason he'd broken up with her. As far as Tammy knew things were going great than one day Kenny brusquely walked up to her, told her it was over, and stepped out of her life.

He'd done the same thing with Kelly. It was a ritual of his. Every time a relationship led to his death he would end it. Mysterion wasn't sure why Kenny did it. Especially in light of all the times getting involved with all of Stan,Kyle, and Cartman's shit, had gotten him killed. Maybe he had some deep seated complex that made him fear being happy. Or maybe he just wanted to play the field, even if it was a virtually non existent one. Yes it seemed mild mannered Kenny McCormick would always be a mystery wrapped in an enigma, as the saying went.

He paced some more. . It was obvious Tammy was never going to show up. The gate to the lot was locked shut,, from the inside. Barbed wire toped the fence. _I could try to climb,_ Mysterion thought.

He stepped back from the fence. Kenny sucked in a breath of cold air and charged at the barrier. He jumped and tried to scramble up to the top. Kenny cursed as his fingers slipped from the wire. He dug them in deep, the metal cutting into his skin,but the will of Mysterion could not defeat the evil power that was gravity, and he soon found himself hurdling towards the ground.

Mysterion brushed himself off. He thought he heard sniggering, at his misfortune. "Whose there?", he clenched his fists, anticipating a confrontation. "I'm your pet canary", the girl's voice shot back. Mysterion turned his head towards the sound.

Their, atop the billboard to his right, stood Tammy,her beautiful, masked, face illuminated by the iridescent moon light.

"How long were you here?", he asked her with a spurned scowl. Kenny's heart hammered at his chest like a cop busting down a door. "Long enough to learn your a broody idiot who can't be bothered to look a bit to his right." "And you didn't know that already Tammy?" She climbed down from her perch, onto the trashcan lid below. "I knew that about you Mysterion, but Kenny always seemed to be such a lighthearted kid." "Times change", Mysterion said with great sorrow. "The Nascar thing. That was always your favorite sport. Ken I'm so sorry." She was like a big warm puffy blanket for him to leap into. But then Mysterion thought of the rolls of toilet paper hurdling through the air towards the South Park Nascar. _Why Why Why!?_ And he grew cold. "Yeah I'm pissed about that but it's not why I'm like this Tammy." It felt good to do away with the secret identity. Tree Mouse Girl was a stupid name anyways.

"Then why are you acting so strange?", her words in pursuit of Kenny's deep secret. "I can't die." Those words hadn't felt so heavy when he last spoke them. He guessed it was different with girls.

Tammy laughed and threw her arms around him. "Oh Ken you are the same as the old days."

 _Your the same as well The same as everyone else._ Sad thoughts.

"I can't die", she said in mimicry. "What a laugh. Stuff like that's why I fell for you in the first place." "So were back together then", he said evenly. "Sure why not", she said with a laugh and a shrug. She embraced him again. "Just one question why did you dump me the first time?" What could he say. She wouldn't believe him if he told the truth. In fact she would probably think he was making fun of her, and despise him for it. "I'll tell you later." Later could be any faraway time he chose. "Right now we need to get to Chaos's lair and beat the TP bandit's identity out of his thick head." He slammed a fist into the palm of his hand. "Who?", Tammy asked. "The henchmen I texted you about. "His real name is Butters.",Kenny hoped that explained the rest.

"He always seemed like such a sweet little guy." _Am I a little guy?_ Kenny was the same age as Butters. "It's hard to tell where Butters ends and Chaos begins.",Kenny mused. "Yeah I think I know someone like that", said Tammy. There was a pause. "We should get going",said Mysterion. "Yeah lets" And so on they went.


	17. A Douche and a Turd

**I think I'm starting to get my groove back.**

Dovahkiin shivered as the pleistocene cold of the warehouse seeped through his army green parka. _Is this what it feels like to be an eskimo?_ No it wasn't, Dovahkiin thought to himself. Eskimos would probably have more insulating cloths. Or were they just used to feeling cold like this. Dovahkiin silently thanked Jesus that he wasn't born an eskimo.

"Your welcome", said Jesus. He then walked out of the scene. He shall not be seen or mentioned in this story ever again..

"You triangulated the signal yet?", he asked Butters. "No nothing yet." He went back to typing numbers into the console of his "Chaos Computer." The Computer itself was a freakish jumbled together creation. The Database, which looked suspiciously like an old film projector, was connected to the monitor, an old static filled TV. Butters claimed that he could "detect patterns and Science things by analyzing the data on the screen." All Dovahkiin saw were scrambled black lines against a blue background. But then he wasn't a super genius so what did he know. Dougie typed something into the calculator taped to the bottom of the monitor, to complete the calculation. "Still nothing", Chaos grumbled. Dovahkiin glanced around the room absentmindedly. Chaos computers, Hamster minions, pictures of some Cape named Mysterion all over the place, and a banner that said Headquarters of Doom. If Dovahkiin didn't know any better he'd say Professor Chaos was not only a genius, but an evil genius. But that couldn't be right. Professor Chaos had fought by his side all through the war for the stick of truth and the struggle against the Nazi's. Surely his first friend in South Park, the kid he'd saved from some elves, the boy he'd beat up Kyle for, was firmly on the side of good. Right?

The door flung open. Two silhouetted figures. An alarm screeched. "You'll never take me alive!", Professor Chaos let towards their enemy. "What the fuck!", exclaimed Dovahkiin. One of the figures tossed something. And then the room filled with smoke.

Mysterion raised the cry of a demon and charged towards his stunned opponents. He launched his fist at the second individual who, judging from his height and the crown he wore on his head, was Butters's friend King Douchebag. _Have you no decency sir. First you enable the TP bandit. And then you dress up as a fantasy character in a superhero setting._ The extent of evil in the world always surprised him.

The new kid slumped over and withdrew something from his pocket. A cone of fire engulfed the world in front of Mysterion. Flame singed his mask and rawed his face. "Ow Ow", he scratched at the pain. "Not cool asshole." The New kid recovered his senses and ran off. "Oh no you don't",Mysterion brushed himself off and turned to follow. The smoke began to clear.

Tammy had Dougie pinned against the ground. Dovahkiin stood before Mysterion in a fighting stance his wizarding wand drawn. Chaos was nowhere to be found.


	18. Indiana Bones

Cartman looked up from his map and towards the big house at the end of the driveway. It was the color of ash and Cartman couldn't decide if it was a Mcmansion, a regular old mansion, an estate or just a really big house. "

I have got to get richer friends", Cartman said to Cupid Me, who was perched on his shoulder. "Token seems nice", Cupid Me added helpfully. He crossed his arms. "It's not the same." Cartman strolled up to the doorway and rang the doorbell. It chirped charmingly and the door creeped open.

"Who is this. Is this People? George? JJ Abrams? All of you can go straight to hell. I'm not interested in talking to the press, I'm not going to fall for your stupid Nostalgia pitch for another Indiana Jones movie, that midlife crisis ended a while ago, and for fucks sake you already killed off Han Solo. Let the poor fuck rest in peace." He looked down at the fat boy. "Who are you?"

"Hello Doctor Jones. I'm Eric Cartman. And I have an artifact for you to examine.", he handed Jones the tape.

Jones seemed ready to say something, but then he examined the object. "Where did you get this?", his eyes were glazed with wonder. "A friend gave it to me", Eric said cooly. "It's..It's a VHS tape.", Jones said wondrously. "Yeah yeah I know, but how does it work?",he tapped his foot on the ground. "Well you put it in a VHS player and it plays Video.", Jones shrugged. "I don't suppose you would have one in your personal collection?", Cartman said hopefully.  
"A collection. Son this stuff belongs in a museum!", Jones exclaimed. He put his hand on his chin. "Or else with somebody whose to broke to afford a DVD player, let alone a Neflix." "Now will you get the hell of my lawn!" The door slammed shut in Cartman's face.

"Could anyone I know possibly so poor and inbred that their still using a VCR", Cartman asked aloud. Cupid Me raised his hand and waved in the manner of a drowning man trying to signal a lifeguard. Cartman called on him. "It's Kenny isn't it?", the fairy cooed eagerly. "No shit Sherlock", said Cartman.


	19. It goes Down

Chaos was gone. Mysterion couldn't decide if this meant his old nemesis was a coward, or that Butters had finally seen the light and decided to abandon his partners in evil.

"Your all alone now", Mysterion called out to his enemy. The king maintained his fighting stance. "Your outnumbered.", Mysterion reminded him.

"Thanks for stating the obvious Kenny", Dovakiin said cooly. If Chaos's flight and Dougie's defeat had fazed him, he gave no hint of it. An oppressive silence hung over them. "Well aren't you going to surrender?", Mysterion asked. Dovakhiin glanced around the room. "I think I can handle you two." His gaze hardened on Mysteiron. "I've bested you before **Kenny.** And I'll do it again." "That wasn't me, that was Princess Kenny.", Mysterion reminded him. His level tone gave no indication of how agitated Dovahkiin had him feel.

"Oh for fucks sake not this shit again.",the King said exasperatedly. Mysterion sensed an opening and instead of waiting for Douchebag to finish, he flung a throwing star. The Mage deflected it with his staff, aka a level one wand he had grown overly fond of.

He charged at Mysterion. Kenny tried to deflect the blow. The sting of the wizard's wand scratching across his face told him he had failed.

Mysterion threw a punch and the wizard dodged. He threw another blow and this time it found it's target, throwing Dovakiin flat on the ground. Mysterion charged to take advantage but once again found himself repulsed by a blast of spark and flame. Mysterious hit the ground,rolling to extinguish the flames that were enveloping his costume.

"That dam trick is the only reason you aren't still stuck being Sir Douchebag", Mysterion spat as he rubbed the damage away from his face.

"You think I actually give a shit about this stupid crown?", Dovakiin asked with a hostility Kenny took to mean he didn't care for it at all.

"Well then why do you keep wearing the fucking thing", Mysterion asked indignant. The King shrugged, "I am King, I must wear a crown", he said simply. "Always the loyal follower", Mysterion snarled at the "leader" of Kuppa Keep. They continued their battle.

Tammy had watched the whole thing unfurled, all the while absentmindedly keeping Dougie pinned to the ground. "Aren't you going to torture me", Dougie asked, eyes wide? "What no, why would I do that?" He shrugged, "I don't know I just thought that's what people do these days, you seen 24?" "No?" "Oh", Dougie said abashed. He turned his eyes towards the ongoing brawl. "Their going to be going at it for a while aren't they?",he said more to himself than Tree Mouse Girl. "Yup", she said with a resigned sigh. "Well this is what you get for teaming up with Olivia?",she said with resentment. Dougie looked puzzled,"who's Olivia?"

"Why did you do it huh?", Mysterion spat at Dovakiin. "Kick your ass?", he shot an arrow. Dovakiin had decided against using his fart magic in this battle. In a close space like the warehouse, the stink would kill them all.

"No I mean why did you turn professor chaos from a harmless D list villain into a murderer? Why did you corrupt the purpose of the Fifth grade girls council? Why did you convince Butters to murder me? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COMIT NASCAR 9/11!?"

Rage flung a throwing star at high velocity. It missed it's intended target, bounced off the wall, and disappeared into the darkness.

A second later a sheik of pain gave away it's location.  
"OW MY EYE MY EYE IT HURTS! I can't see!" "You hit his eye!", Tammy yelled to Mysterion. "Shit",Mysterion cursed. After what had happened with Butters he really should have learned to be more careful with those things. "You crazy asshole", Douchebag shouted at Mysterion angrily. _Heroes don't hit kids with glasses, not even by accident_ , Mysteiron thought guiltily.

"Get him to the hospital!", Mysterion yelled. Mysterion turned to follow. Tammy wrapped her arm around the boy and fireman carried him out of the warehouse. Mysterion was about to turn to follow when Douchebag yelled to him. "Hold It I'm not done with you yet", his voice hard and cold like ice.


	20. Beat Down

Douchebag retreated to the other side of the room. Mysterion gave pursuit by instinct. He only realized he had fallen into a trap when Douchebag turned around,to reveal he had retrieved a fire extinguisher, and fired it into Mysterion's face. It slammed into it like a cold fist.

The King followed soon after, tackling the stunned Mysterion and throwing him to the ground. "What"(Punch) "The" (another blow fell on Mysterion) "Fuck" (he felt that one.) "Is" (you get the drill) "Wrong"(he was starting to see blood.) "With"(that one broke his nose.) "You". A final blow impacted right in the center of Kenny's mouth, sending blood and teeth flying.

Mysterion lay on the ground,coughing blood. "What's wrong with me is that I finally figured you out Dovakiin. You planned all this. Your the TP Bandit." He laughed a little at the irony of the whole situation. The King tilted his head.

"What?", he said like Kyle would when something really dumb happened, which because this was South Park, meant often. "Dude me and Chaos were trying to stop the guy. Just like you."

That couldn't be true. "But the guy who…", he sputtered, it was no use mentioning that. "But..but…he's evil.",Mysterion sounded much less sure of himself than he had intended. "Chaos fought by my side against the Nazi's. Against the elves. Against you. He's saved my ass a thousand times!",the New kid's voice bit with anger. "And you, you who bust in here while we were minding our own business,you who have thrown throwing stars in the eyes of not one, but two kids. You who betrayed your friends. You who punched Butters in the face when he tried to be nice to you. You call him evil?!"

"But it seemed so obvious", Kenny said to himself as much as his persecutor. "Well appearances can be deceiving motherfucker!",Dovakiin said angrily. "But the Mass Effect reference, you and Butters are the only ones I know who play that gay ass shit.",when he said it out loud it sounded so stupid. "What the hell are you talking about?", Douchebag said with frustrated exasperation. "Just what the hell is a Lazarus?", Mysterion asked, exhausted by all he could not tell.

"I think you mean the Lazerus project. It's what brings commander Shepard back from the dead right at the beginning of Mass Effect 2, you know right after the Normandy gets blown up by the Collectors. I think the name comes from the bible, but I don't know exactly what it is. Didn't you and Butters play Mass Effect together?" "Yeah but I kind of got distracted.", the dark hid Kenny's abashed blush. "Of course you were", Dovakiin said with pretend maturity.

"So Lazerus means brining somebody back from the dead.", Mysterion was up on his feet. He stroked his bloodied chin in contemplation. The tattered mask. The blood on his face. He looked to Dovakiin like a horror movie villain. "Basically."

"Why do you guys care?", Mysterion asked. "You guys have no dog in this fight. Nobody else is doing anything. Even the Coon and friends haven't gone after this villain.", he tasted the bitterness in his mouth. Of course they'd all forsake the villain who went after poor people. That was probably why serial killers always killed hookers. Nobody cared what happened to them and nobody cared if Kenny's house was TP'd.

"Some things are to important to ignore. The TP Bandit's been carrying out these crimes with impunity, and going far beyond any TPing any one of us has done. Plus I'm pretty sure the bastard stole Butters's phone. And you were right, nobody else was doing anything, even the cops aren't after this guy.", for most of his life Dovakiin had dreamed of being a police officer, that or a fireman. In that one regard he was a normal kid. He found himself feeling affection for this poor, both literally and figuratively, kid, fighting a lonely battle against the forces of evil. That did not mean he approved of the insane way he had acted, or forgave what he had done to Butters, but he began to understand what could drive a servant of the light to such darkness.

"The Cops are doing the best they can, given that the TP bandit threatened to go after their houses, as I suspect you already know", King Douchebag scowled at the implication Mysterion was making. It seemed that even after Dovakiin had explained everything, Mysterion could still not shake free of his prejudices. "I mean their hardly going to just let some random kid walk into the station and give them the evidence." Mysterion wasn't convinced that the New Kid wasn't spinning some story. If he was being honest with himself he didn't want to be convinced.

"Well if they wanted to put someone on the case I don't see why not? I mean they let me and Butters go in the station and we we didn't really have any business being there."

Kenny didn't want to believe this ether. But now that he thought about it the more the cops actions didn't add up.

He stood up, straight, his face a bloody ruin, looked Dovakiin dead in the eye and said, "I won't fall for your tricks. I know what I saw. The only one who could get him to do something like this is you!", he shouted.

"You know you made a mistake, you just won't admit it", the New Kid was growing more and more irritated. "No! I am Mysterion! Guardian and Protector of the Earth! I protect this city! I do what is necessary to", he spoke without Mysterion's deep gruff voice. Though the superhero proclaimed himself to be Mysterion, he sounded more like scared,angry, in denial, Kenny McCormick.

"Your 10 years old!", Dovakiin interjected, sending Kenny into silence. "Just like the rest of us.

Your angry your scared, and your acting like an idiot. It's nearly bed time, and I'd suggest you be nicer to me, otherwise you'll have to drag you crippled ass home all by yourself."

Mysterion said nothing. "That's what I thought", Dovakiin said victoriously. He tried to lift Kenny's arm over his shoulder. Mysterion rebuffed him. "I can take care of myself." _I suck at that,_ he thought. _I suck at taking care of anyone else even more._


	21. Back into the rain

Kenny dragged himself home in the cold rain, slogging in waterlogged clothes. He ached all over. _How can you be the guardian and protector of the Earth if you cannot even protect you own sanity?_ , a part of him asked. He had no answer. What did he care. Good and evil. Truth and lies. It seemed impossible for him to tell the difference anymore. The piercing bright lights of a car peered into the dreary night. _If nothing else this would be a shortcut._ Kenny waited for the car to come closer and wished, not for the first nor the last time, that this would be the end, and he ran out into the street. And into the deep white.

The New Kid shivered as the rain pelted his back, soaking though his parka. The thing was useless. Even though he had found Jesus, during the fight against the Nazi's, he was still able to mutter a curse towards heaven. He doubted the old man upstairs would listen. In his experience, big people cared little for what 4th graders, such as himself, thought.

Tree Mouse Girl had left Dougie at the hospital, after first calling his house to tell his parents what had happened. She hadn't waited for them to show up.

She couldn't bear to face them. The way they'd look at her. She had merely been Kenny's accomplice, but Tammy knew enough about parents to know they didn't feel kindly towards anyone who harmed their children. No matter how tangental the connection. In truth she probably did more harm by leaving the younger boy alone at the hospital. He had begged her not to go, not to leave him alone, even for a few minutes, in the cold ,sterile white hospital. She'd probably have to face them anyways.

Her parents were poor just like Kenny's, poorer in fact. But unlike the McCormicks they were the classy sort of poor who worked their multiple menial jobs, which stole so much of their time that they were rarely home to spend time with their daughter, without complaint, went to church, if they Drank they did so quietly, stewing in their own misery and self hatred, and not lashing out at their daughter, most of the time anyways. And they taught their young daughter that no matter what if you worked hard you could go far in life. Even at the tender age of 11 Tammy realized this was a lie. Her parents own sad lives showed this. When they found out they would drag Tammy in front of Dougie's parents and demand she apologize, like she had already done to their son. And she'd feel like shit anyways.

Before she headed home, Tammy decided to check the warehouse, to see if Kenny was still their. She had tried to text him but for some reason he wasn't answering his phone. The New Kid could have gotten the best of him, given him a real beating. Or worse, smashed his phone.

She couldn't bring herself to abandon a friend, even one who had let her down so much in the past. As she walked she thought of other friends who had left. Olivia hadn't always been an evil psychopath. When she returned to the warehouse she found that Kenny and the New Kid had gone.

She texted him yet again, and started the trudge back home. Rain pelted down from above, soaking her costume. Her phone buzzed and, involuntarily, her heart fluttered. Was it Kenny. She read the message. [[I own you now.]] It was not from Kenny.

The new kid eased himself up onto the window sill. He had let the window open a peep when he had left, so as to let in as little of the cold as possible while allowing himself a way back in. He gingerly pulled it open, only for the window to respond with an un oiled groan as it opened. A wind cold wind blew at his back and his balance gave way, sending him plummeting to the floor. He hit with a crash, and yelled in pain. Moments later the lights went on. Dovakiin heard the thump of footsteps on the stairs. He was so going to get grounded. He had tried to take the high road, be a hero, and what had it gotten him? Nothing. No more Mr Nice Guy. They would pay.


	22. Reek Jokes

Chapter 22 Reek Jokes

The rain poured down as the TP bandit observed his latest work. Melted toilet paper rotted on the glistening mettle walls of The Lofts. "I have a great arm don't I", the Bandit said with a smug grin. "Absolutely divine throw sir", his henchman chirped happily, a rare emotion for him. The master smiled, a cruel, knife like grin. "Of course you have a very good hand don't you my sweet twisted Oliver", his tone lecherous and cruel. " _III_ _gguess",_ the naive fool stammered. Most boys his age talked frequently a lot about his father's work, but the reality of it was they were just scared little small boys, completely blind to the cruel world they inhabited, and the even crueler ones that lurk around them, behind the twisted corner of a twisted corner of shadow and fire.

He caressed the boy, who quivered. Then his face turned cruel and he threw his arms onto his servant's chest, shoving him to the ground. "I can smell fear you know", he looked away. It conveyed the distinct impression that the creature that laid on his haunches was unworthy of even a glance. "You reek.", he laughed at his own wit. "Yes sir", his servant kowtowed in supplication. "Reek rhyme with freak you know", he said with the hope that the wretch would get the reference. "Yes sir",the words were spoke in a pathetic squeak.

"You don't get it do you?", the wind and rain shrieked and a bolt of lightning dashed through the sky with a shout of thunder. The servant suddenly became very afraid. "Forgive me my master. I am a lame ass looser who can't keep up with pop culture. I throw myself at your feet and beg for mercy", the words were said in a rapid machine gun like mumble.

"Oh for fucks sake it's from Game of Thrones", the TP bandit threw up his arms in indignation. "Game of what?", the lost boy said, puzzled. "You know the cultural phenomena, source of legions of the most annoying meme's ever to infest the internet? The most perverted and violent fantasy story ever put to television? The one with the whipped eunuch called Reek?", his voice felt like a whip, lacerating the other boy for his stupidity. More than anything, that boy cared about pleasing the TP bandit. He hoped that one day his master would recognize this loyalty and start treating him better. Maybe he'd even call him by his real name. Nobody had called him that in so long. But he saw how the bandit was acting. He knew that today would not be that day.

"You half wit", the TP bandit shouted at him. "Yes m'lord I am a half wit on a good day.", he hoped that speaking in a ye old English fantasy accent would be enough to appease him. It was all anybody seemed to want with his kind. "Your also a cowardly wretch. The fun of kicking a curled up dog fades quickly.", then he turned and walked away, knowing that the Lost Boy would follow. "Where are we going", the boy asked, clutching himself in a vain effort against the bitting cold. "To find more interesting minions.", he smiled yet again. A cruel knowing smile. Like a cat toying with mice. To his boy Ophelia it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

If you know a fantasy story that got a TV show that is more perverted and violent than game of thrones, send me a message.

And if anyone has any idea who the TP bandit or his minion are send me a message. If your correct I'll give you a shoutout in the next chapter.


	23. Meeting With the Goths

A cold rain pricked down on South Park. Like a thousand cold needles stabbing this little purgatory of damed souls. Or at least that's how Henrietta would have described it. But alas she was not the author of this Fanfic. She had tried writing one once, but that abomination was a deep dark secret she kept buried in the deepest recesses of her heart.

The other Goth kids lounged about her room, bored with this tedious life, as usual. Baby Goth or Finkle as his "abusive" parents called him, was smoking a cigarette, their fearless leader Michael sat propped up against the bed sipping coffee, and Pete lay on his stomach, writing in his journal about his deep inner torment.

Henrieta turned away from the window and sighed. "Life is pain", she stated the obvious. "Life is pain", the other agreed.

A knock wrapped on the door. "Henrieta, sweetie", her mother called to her. To most people she sounded like a concerned, loving parent. But Henrieta knew she was an evil abusive bitch. From sending her to therapy, to taking away her cigarettes, her sadistic cruelty knew no end. She was a child who had never known love all her life.

"You have a little visitor." The door opened. In stepped two cloaked figures. "Okay fine Mom whatever now get out of my room.", she rolled her eyes. "Okay sweetie. I love you", she gave this soft fake smile that for an instant made Henrieta feel like she was being an ungrateful spoiled brat. That she was the abusive one. Truly her mother's evil knew no bounds.

The two boys threw off their hoods. Henrieta gasped. All the goths sunk to their knees in reverence. "It's…It's..", she stuttered. "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS!", a British voice yelled from seemingly nowhere. The henchman smiled. His master scowled and snapped his fingers. A cry of agony.

"It's you", Henrieta said to the dark prince. "Yes it is I. The living void. The Prince of Pernition. "KNEEL BEFORE ME!", he bellowed with unrighteous fury. The Goths dropped to their knees. The Bandit's lips curled. "I'm tempted to see if you could do better than my beloved Olivia.", two hearts broke. A spark of jealously was lit, and another fire kept on burning. He gestured towards the other. "This one hasn't been very pleasing,"the bandit doubted these stupid children even knew what he implied.

The children knew what he was talking about. Henrieta flushed. The others just rolled their eyes. They'd only suck someone off ironically.

"What do you want?", Michael asked, tossing his hair. "What I want is to spread hatred and pain throughout the world. Throughout this town", he raised his hands up high like a preacher. A preacher of darkness. "And what I need is minions. Servants to carry out my will! In short worshippers!", a bolt of lightning cut the sky. A crash of thunder following in half a dozen seconds. "I will I will worship you!', Henrieta cried out in a religious fervor. "All hail the Dark Messiah!", chanted Pete. To Michael this all felt like a sermon by some shady pastor at a Christian megachurch. It made him sick. "We will spill their blood!", yelled a small quiet little voice. "E Tu Finkle", Michael said quietly. "Fuck the Conformists!", he said in a much louder voice. That at least he could say sincerely. He hated all conformists. Including himself. Had they learned nothing from Cthulu? How quickly did his friends forsake the Goth creed to chase utopian sunshine religions. Alas it fell to Michael, ever the dutiful Shepard, to lead his flock out of this mess. But first he had to understand this TP bandit. Learn his methods so he could subvert him when the time came.

"Good Good", said the Bandit. All was going according to plan.


	24. The King in Hell

The air was filled with smoke and blood. The ground felt like burning lava. Actual rivers of lava flowed across the surface. Like blood between cracked skin. The screams of the damed echoed through Satan's halls.

Kenny took the whole thing nonchalantly. He had seen it all before. Mind you that didn't mean he liked it. In fact he was rather annoyed at this detour. Normally when he died he woke up instantaneously in his bed. That was one of the few good things about this whole process. It cut out the middlemen. Still Hell did not present the shock it did to most of it's newer residents, especially when they learned Mormonism was in fact the true religion. The suicide bombers were in particularly shocked to find out their 72 virgins were in fact dumbasses from the involuntary celibates sub redit(oh the horrors I could tell of that place.).

He needed to get out of this place. Satan owed him a favor for sorting out some relationship drama with Saddam Hussain. It was at this point that he realized he was still wearing his costume. Normally when he died he was wearing a Parka. Could that be why he had gone to hell, instead of just teleporting back home? He still wanted to find out the reason he couldn't die. But he still had time. His life stretched out ahead of him like an endless ocean, like it did for most of the young.

That was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he had all the time in the world. A curse because well, Kenny's life was shit.

Kenny started walking to Satan's house, waving to JFK, Grandi, and Freddy Mercury as he went. He stopped at the sight of Al Capone cannonballing into one of the Lava pools. That made him realize something very important about life, the world, and the universe. It also helped him remember that the bars in hell did not have an age limit. Needless to say Mysterion now had a new destination.

The Bar was called Horny Devils. It was made out of red bricks that blended into the landscape. A devil crowned the roof. Hell was a very unoriginal place. He opened the door and stepped over the threshold.

The wallpaper was red and orange, very original. The whole place had the feel of a western saloon. A matador was stuffed and mounted on the wall.

A man sat at the table. The bartender was a man with the look of a 1920's gangster. Kenny clambered onto a barstool. "Scotch on the rocks. No ice", Kenny had no idea what that mean.  
Usually he drank Pap's blue ribbon or some abominable moonshine.

The bartender took to mixing the drinks, while Kenny imagined how awesome it would have been to have one of those sexy bartenders, and not some old fucker from the 1920's.

"Get back here I was ordering my drink! I should go first. I used to be a King you know. I am THE King." Mysterion rolled his eyes at the old fool.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me. You think your so great just because you drew up some shitty costume and got yourself a cape. I was creating the world's greatest superheroes when your father was in diapers", the man raved at Mysterion. "Sure Bub whatever", he said patronizingly.

"Don't call me Bub Bub. Or it'll be clobbering time." Mysterion recognized a man who meant fight when he saw one. "Okay Okay I'll back off", he raised his hands defensively.

"Your lucky I'm saving it all up for when Stan finally gets down here. Son of a bitch thinks he's at the center of the world", he took another swig. "I know what you mean. Fuck that guy. He thinks he's better than everyone, the whiney piece of shit. He can't even create a good superhero without help", Kenny spat. "Thank you!"

The Superhero extended his hand. "Nice to meet you I'm Mysterion." The old man gripped it. "The name's Kirby. Jack Kirby."

I have nothing against Stan Lee. To put if bluntly if you can't take a bit of insulting humor directed at beloved figures what the hell are you doing watching this show?


	25. What Post-Modernism?

"I think I heard of you. Your some sort of comic big shot. Then your friends screwed you over and you died before the movies got really big." He had had to listen to Kyle winge about it for hours.

"It's not all that bad", Kirby admitted begrudgingly. Satan's paying me royalties for all the fucked up shit they've done with my characters. He's a nice guy that Satan. Well for the Prince of Darkness anyway.

Kenny searched his memory. "He's awfully insecure for the ruler of hell", he stroked his chin analytically. "And your awfully articulate for a seven year old super twerp." Kirby laughed to himself and downed another beer.

"I'll have you know I'm not a twerp. I'm Mysterion. Guardian and Protector of the Earth." Out of habit he stood up dramatically and held his cape close to his chest.

"Let me guess your some dark broody loner with a tragic backstory, nobody understands you, and maybe a shit personal life thrown in to make you more sympathetic.

Mysterion felt as if his entire life had been displayed before him. And been revealed to be a giant joke by two stoners from Colorado. "Fuck you."

Kirby gave a hearty laugh. "Sorry kid your not my type. And all the NAMBLA people are locked away in a room forced to listen to nothing but Nickleback." That seemed harsh even for a gritty cold hearted hero like Mysterion.

He said as much to Kirby, who just smiled and said, "Throw in a moral center that makes the hero shine like a light in the dark, even if it is his own darkness. Ah the classics."

Mysterion slammed his fist on the table angrily. "Well if my story is so generic than who the hell is this guy who keeps fucking with me? The TP bandit?"

Kirby grabbed another drink from the bar and chugged it down. "I don't know. What I do know is this. Sometimes a writer will have some sort of big plan for their story. Maybe it's gotten stale, maybe a big anniversary's coming up, maybe their just some lazy hack trying to be edgy. When that happens a writer will try to shake things up. Break their hero down. Destroy not only everything he knew and loved, but also his very sense of self, his idea of right and wrong, truth and justice." "That sounds like fucking angsty emo bullshit", Kenny opined as the bartender finally poured his drink.

"It is to an extent. I can't say I was that into it myself. Not that I didn't appreciate a little drama. But I know some great writers who worked on stories like these. And their not Emo Dweebs." The old man had a strange twinkle in his eye. Mysterion guessed it was a cataract. He knew Stan's Grandpa had one. He continued, "About a year after I drew Captain America punching Hitler in the face I joined the Army to knock his lights out for real. They broke me. They broke all of us. That's what they do. But they rebuilt us. And what rose was stronger and better than before. That's what a good writer will do with a character like you." _I am not a character,_ Mysterion thought the thoughts the writer of this story allowed him to think.

"In fact young man, you remind me of a character Stan and Bill worked on back in the day. They gave him to some other guy in the 80's and he went through something like your going through. Now he's kicking ass on Netflix. Play your cards right and maybe you'll end up on the big screen. Just make sure to never sign away the rights to your creations to greedy ass managers."

"That actually sounds like good advice", not that Mysterion could tell what good advice was anymore.

He remembered his drink. Kenny snatched it up from the table. Right as he put the cup to his lisps he vanished.

"Huh, well that was odd", Jack "the King" Kirby said with a shrug.

The door burst open. "Quick quick everyone come! The big guy's freaking out!", a man with black hair, a German accent and a Charlie Chaplin mustache, yelled to the patrons. Everyone scrambled to their feet and ran out the bar.

Jack approached the messenger. "Thanks for the tip Bub but….", he curled his fist and rammed it upward across the German's face. "God I love hitting that fucker." He'd do it more often. But alas they rarely let the dictator out of his padded cell, padded with spikes. Where he had but one window to the outside world. A TV that showed him modern Germany. A multicultural nation, smaller than the one he had started with after WW1, tolerant, modern, kind, and despising him. That was a worse punishment than even Jack Kirby could dish out.

Once again Kenny woke up in his bed fresh from death. This time their was no screaming.

Hope you like my post modernism. Sorry for taking so long. Hope I didn't make to many mistakes with Jack Kirby, then again this show isn't exactly accurate with the celebrity characters it portrays. If you want to say anything message me. And as always hope you enjoyed the story.


	26. A voice in his head

SodoSopa was blanketed with worn white strands of toilet paper. Somehow he'd even throw a length all the way up to top of The Lofts. Kenny couldn't help but be impressed by the bastard. He wondered if that lady from Zero Dark Thirty felt the same way about Bin Laden.

It was Mysterion's duty to guard and protect all, regardless of their lameness, but Kenny couldn't stop himself from feeling a certain joy at their misfortune. Maybe they'd understand what it was like to have a shithole for a house. The Mysterion part of himself sternly reminded Kenny that nobody deserved that.

The news said that the bandit had struck again. While the heroes were fighting each other he had attacked neighborhoods all over South Park. SodoSopa had been particularly hard hit. If Kenny had just stayed home he would have caught the prick.

At school, Kenny didn't pay attention to anything his teachers said, but that didn't mean his mind wasn't hard at work. The New Kid was probably not responsible for all this. Still, Mysterion had unfinished business with him.

Kenny tapped his fingers on his desk. He still needed to find out what was put with Tammy He'd read her text messages earlier in the morning and sent a reply. But she hadn't answered. Was she giving up on him too?

They were all giving up on him. Cartman was pointing over to him and laughing with Clyde and some others, ether about how poor he was or how he had aids. The New Kid just glared at him in that dead eyed creepy way of his. Stan looked at him like he was a piece of gum, while Kyle just seemed sad for him. That stung the most. Mysterion hated people pitying him. He was supposed to be the savior, not the one being saved.

 _A bit dramatic don't you think._ Kenny jumped up in his seat in surprise, a chill running down his back.

"Is something wrong little boy?", his teacher asked with concern in her voice.

"Teacher Kenny just shit his pants", Cartman called out, to a chorus of laughter. "Eric stop bullying other students!", she yelled. "No mam I'm fine, Kenny said, slinking back to his seat sheepishly.

The voice had come from inside his own mind. It had not been his own. Somebody was in his brain.

 _Am I crazy?_ Kenny thought to himself. It certainly wasn't out of the question. After all the shit he went through on a regular basis, the crazy thing would be if he stayed sane.

 _Your not crazy Mysterion, or at least anymore than the rest of the people in this town._

Sweat permitted his face as he desperately tried to finish his math work, and ignore the voice. _Okay your too busy to talk. Odd I never took you for the studious type. Very well. I'll talk to you after school._

The bell rang and the students streamed out of the classroom like turds out a sphincter. Once again Kenny didn't go straight for the lunchroom. Once again he searched the halls for Tammy. He couldn't find her this time.

Finally, as his stomach rumbled, he gathered up the nerve to ask three of the girls she used to hang out with. They were standing on the right side of the hallway talking to each other when Kenny approached them.

He greeted them awkwardly, to a chorus of eye roles and sounds of disgust. "Have you guys seen Tammy", he asked, feeling like he was tiptoeing across a floor with broken glass on it. "No she's absent. She said it was something about a doctor's appointment. Why do you want to know? Are you going to be a weirdo stalker like Eric Cartman?", she said with a slanted glance.

"No I just wanted to talk to her." He slouched down and walked away. "Stupid fourthie", he heard one of them mutter. "Yeah, you got that right", Kenny said to himself.

At lunch he sat down between Craig and Kyle. "Oh here he is everyone the hero of South Park Guardian and Protector of the Earth everyone, the only Coonfriend who actually matters, Kenny!" The rest of the Coon and Friends clapped sarcastically.

"How the fuck did you know about that?" _Ok this is legitimately freaky,_ he thought to himself. "We received a message from Professor Chaos. It was a video so don't pretend you didn't say it." Cartman shot at him, spittle flying from his big fat mouth.

"You mean my phone?", Butters asked. "Yes you are Chaos, unless you've hired a dirty Mexican to do that job or something."

At the teachers lounge PC Principle felt a twinge at the back of his neck. "Ow my racism senses have been triggered." He rubbed the spot. "That's bad M'kay" said Mr Mackey.

"But I didn't have my phone. Somebody stole it. He must have sent you the video. Oh Jee Wiz somebody's using my phone for evil. And it isn't me." Butters was flustered. He had that _I'm about to get grounded_ look to him.

"Ok wow. Ether way were still pissed at you", said Cartman. "Yeah your off the team", Stan chimed in. Timeh!, said Timmy. Kenny was sad, but not surprised by any of this.


End file.
